TTC Now

And, He's Off to the Races

2012-02-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

Getting a still photo is a miracle these days....

Mr. F is going to be 10 months before I ever get this written. If I thought time was moving fast before, it is now speeding by in a blur--which is what happens when your relatively immobile baby is now crawling. Parents have warned me that the changes come quickly and they weren't kidding.

What started out as a cute army crawl is now the impetus for my daily exercise. I can no longer leave Mr. F alone anywhere for more than a second because in that time he can pull down a fake tree, climb up stairs and suck on a lamp cord. We were supposed to have childproofed the house over the holidays, but it just didn't seem that urgent. Now it is necessity.

He's still a fairly happy guy. He has three basic needs: food, sleep and a clean diaper. If all of those are taken care of, he'll kindly repay you with smiles and giggles. However, I wish he'd read the memo about not having a conversation before 7am. This last week he has begun his eloquent monologues about 6am--Zamboni doesn't even want to hear them [and tries to curl up more deeply in his pillow].

For those who want his stats, he's 29 1/2 inches and 22 pounds and 10 ounces. I don't even look at clothes that are smaller than 18 months. He's going to be one of those guys with long legs and a smaller waist--wonder where he gets that from?


Having a giggle with Dad.

Next week at this time I will have finished my first week of full-time work after a ten month hiatus. The good news is that I feel extremely lucky that I have been able to hire someone to watch over him, who has my confidence and trust. As I have said all along in this journey, people and events come into your life for a reason. In hiring a nanny I wanted to find someone I could partner with. I'll be the first to admit that I am not an avid reader of child development texts. I wanted somebody who knows enough to help me evaluate my options as a parent.

This afternoon we were discussing what was we needed for childproofing. There's one cabinet that doesn't necessarily need latches, but it also shouldn't be 'free to access'. The nanny asked me if we were gong to be willing to invest the time to teach him that there are forbidden places. That's my preference, but we'll see how easy that is with a little boy!

Sunday mornings are swim lessons. He loves being in the water--which bodes well for the warm weather vacations we hope to take again [and starting in March with our 5th anniversary celebration].

What Time Is It?

2012-01-18T19:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday there was a great blog in the Huffington Post about "Don't Carpe Diem". The short version of this blog is that this mom is tired of people telling her to enjoy every moment of motherhood because let's face it--it's hard work.   But, her main point reviews the two types of time: Chronos and Kairos time. Chronos being the every day moments, including all the muck, and Kairos being the gems that you cherish.

It is this duality of time that is at the heart of the working mom's dilemma.   For the last few months I have been in an interesting position.   I expected to go back to work full time when Franklin was four months old.   Due to the progressive thinking of my old company, they thought it would be better to eliminate my job so I could spend more time with my child.

Once I took a deep breath and stopped panicking about our financial free fall, I tried to enjoy the fact that I had "a fussy-free, sleeping through the night" baby who just wanted to spend time having fun. However, since we live in Silicon Valley, not getting a new job wasn't an option. We are not set-up to be a single income family.   But, if I am honest, it is not all about the money.

Today was a great day. I woke up, enjoyed morning time with my little guy, then I dressed in grown-up clothes. I slid into my pre-pregnancy pencil skirt, curled my hair and put make up on.   I was meeting with a new client who had flown up for the day to meet with a customer.   It felt so good to slip back into my old life, where my mental challenge of the day wasn't remembering the lyrics to 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'.   It was a Kairos moment for me--a moment to come back to myself.

Don't get me wrong. There was still a lot of craziness to the day. I was twenty minutes late to the meeting because I had forgotten what a commute was like. I rushed back to my house after the meeting to work on materials for another job and pick up Franklin to take him to the afternoon meeting. I am in a unique position in that I had a lot of people cheering me on for this baby, so it is great when former colleagues want to meet him and I can take him with. I then to took F to his grandparents, so I could work some more but realized that I left the computer at home.

Yet, despite all of that, I had one of those clear defining moments of what I want my life to be.

I had been wrestling with the idea that staying home might be the best thing for Franklin and I should find a way to make it work. But it isn't the best thing for Franklin because it isn't what will make me happy. I'll admit that I can't deal with the muck day in and day out. I applaud the moms out there that can [and I was raised my one who could], but it's not for me. What is important to me, however, is to find the job the will allow me to still have many Kairos moments--it may be scaling up my consulting business, or it may be that my current part-time gig will become full-time. Now, you are saying how could a full-time job give you the flexibility to still have those special moments?

See my part-time gig is a VP of Marketing role for a forward-thinking company who is focused on financial planning and investing for young families. As the person responsible for fostering the company and brand culture, you can bet that we will have policies that allow for attending pre-school holiday parties, soccer practices and school field trips.   Participating in your family life will be required not optional.

Meanwhile I am going to enjoy these early days as much as I can. I've had five more months in Franklin's every day life than I expected. And, each night when I kiss him good night, I am very thankful for Kairos.

I Believe

2011-12-31T18:28:00.000-08:00

The month slipped by in a blink of an eye.   Even though Franklin will never remember this Christmas, his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles will.   He did awesome with his first Santa photo--it may be the only one he ever smiles for, but that's okay as I know that photo sent a lot of joy across the land.

I bought a $6 dollar shirt at Target this season in my favorite color, purple, and on the front in rhinestones, it said, "Believe." Nothing has been more true for me over the last couple years. I have to admit that I often had trouble keeping the faith that it would all work out, but Clay has been unwavering in his belief that we would someday be parents. That is what often makes a good partnership--the ability to stabilize the boat for each other during turbulent times.   Even though the first year of parenting is filled with joyful moments, there are also moments of stress, insecurity and frustration.   It has become clear to both of us that when the waters are rocky, we truly need to find our way back to center.   When the two of us are in synch, it is much easier to ride the waves.

Franklin turned 8 months old yesterday. As far as 2011 is concerned, we spent more time with Franklin as part of our life than we did without him.   Most days are a blast as we seem to have a talkative extrovert on our hands [can't imagine where he gets that from]. Our routine only gets disrupted when Franklin gets a cold, which seems to be every three weeks right now.    What we are hoping for 2012 is that Mom and Dad build up some immunity and not get sick every time the little guy does.


8 Months--Catching the Doggie

This coming year is going to be an interesting one as I navigate the waters as a working mom. Again, as painful as getting laid off while on maternity leave was, I am grateful for the things I learned about myself during the last four months. I have held on to the belief that I would end up in the right place at the right time--and, ultimately, the best choice for the family. Because that's the difference between this year and last, my choices used to be about what was right for me. Now it's about what is right for all of us. It's a new trick for an old dog to learn.


Tell Me Another Dad, That's Funny!

I wish for all of you during 2012 is a peaceful and healthy year. Be kind to each other and cherish each day. Thanks for following along.

Finally a November with a Happy Ending

2011-12-01T22:13:00.001-08:00

"Thankful V finally had a happy November."   Posted on my husband's Facebook wall. I had been writing a gratitude status every day, but I forgot the last day.   Yet, he knew exactly what to write.

November had come to be my least favorite month.   In 1998 I discovered my first husband wasn't able to have kids. In 2001 I decided I couldn't be married to him in any more. In 2003 I had my first horrible post-divorce break up. In 2007 I had my first miscarriage.   In 2008 a failed IVF.     All of these events occurred in November.

In fact I had started to dislike Thanksgiving and anything to do with it. Last year started the turnaround, however, for my coming to terms with the month of November.   I held my breath for the entire month of November, hoping that my pregnancy would hold and that the next November would truly be different.

Guess what? It was. Throughout this journey I have always tried to hold on to the belief that we travel the path we are supposed to. It may not always be a direct route but ultimately you'll be exactly where you are supposed to be. Without the breakups and the miscarriages of the past, there would be no Franklin.

This Thanksgiving was everything I wanted it to be. It wouldn't have mattered if the turkey had burned or the dog ate the pumpkin pie--all that mattered was who was sitting at the table. I am so very thankful for the science and magic that brought Franklin into this world.   He's a joyful boy who reminds me every day how lucky I am to be his mom.

My little guy had his first bite of turkey that night. If he had asked to eat his pumpkin pie first, I would have let him...it's Thanksgiving after all.

The Reflection of Joy

2011-10-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been the easiest year: a pregnancy that became complicated, a fussy baby for many weeks and then unemployment. All of this, of course, layered with sleep deprivation and hormones. Yet, when I look at the picture below, I can't see a single sign of any of it. All I see is a happy baby and a woman filled with joy.

It's taken nearly six months, but I have finally started to embrace motherhood. For some women it is quite easy to give birth and take on the role. I don't know if it was my personality or my age--or maybe both that prevented me from having that initial "this is the best thing ever moment". Because of the infertility, we spent a lot of time and money to get the little guy. Yet, in those first few weeks, all I could think was "what had I done". I had turned a perfectly good life upside down for a screaming baby and being trapped 24 x7.

It's possible that I had some postpartum issues, but I didn't want to turn to medication. I am very thankful for a friend, who had suffered from it, who called me regularly to make sure that I had an outlet to vent and feel safe talking about what I was thinking. She came to visit for a weekend, and I know she gave the husband some advice on making sure that I had plenty of time to get away when he wasn't working.

He's also the husband that made sure I went last week to the BlogHer Writer's Conference in New York City. It was nice to get away, but what I felt good about was that I wasn't escaping from my life. Instead, I was simply trying to enhance it--and every time I saw a baby I couldn't wait to get home to mine. Then, tonight as I was telling F's favorite bedtime story, I was simply overcome with emotion and gratitude. Looking at that picture I finally saw what my heart had been telling me. I'm am F's mom and nothing is ever going to change that--this is the life I have dreamed of.

I had some clarity about where I wanted to take this blog at the writer's conference. I spoke to some fabulous women who encouraged me to keep writing about motherhood after infertility. It has its own special challenges ranging from guilt to disclosure issues. I promise to still occasionally post about Mr. F, but if you want to keep up to date on the little guy, feel free to friend me on Facebook where the family updates will be more regular.

I also want to give credit to the photographer at Santana Row, Deborah Nagai. She did a great job in a high volume time getting the right moment--a moment I will cherish for a long time.

Whoa....5 Months

2011-10-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

The dog is still winning, but Franklin is trying to catch up. It is amazing how fast the time is going. This month has brought a few milestones---some good, some bad.

We experienced our first cold. It took almost three weeks for the snuffles and cough to go away. Though the doctor said he was the happiest sick baby he'd seen. And, that really is the difference. Franklin, has gone from being 'the Fusster' to being the 'the Happster'. Lots of smiles...most of the fussing comes from interrupting his feedings or just being undernapped.

We tried our first solid last week--rice cereal. What a mess. However, the boy is ready for it. He looks longingly whenever Clay and I are eating in front of him. He is also capable of holding his own bottle--which comes in handy when mom wants to reach for her own glass of wine during happy hour.

I wish I could post a picture of a party I had last Saturday...there were five of us and our babies. All of us have traveled the path of infertility and come out on the other side--it was magical to see all of us with our dreams come true. Each of us had our own story. However, I won't ever publicly post any pictures of others' kids without prior permission, so you'd have to send me a note to see the photo.

I keep appreciating the extra time I have with Franklin, but I am ready to go back to work--hopefully, the right job is just around the corner.

Four Months Already

2011-09-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update on my little Squeaky. He is quickly catching up to his stuffed doggy. I predict by the end of the year he will be just as long. At his most recent doctor's appointment this week he weighed in at 17 lbs 6 oz and 26 1/4" [90th percentile for both]. Needless to say I am getting my workout carrying him up and down our stairs. He is already into 6 months clothes and quickly moving on.

The best news is that we have almost had two straight weeks of sleeping 7 to 7 [give or take a half hour either way]. As I mentioned earlier, we haven't had the easiest road and he was not a baby who liked to sleep in his first two months--now he seems to be making up for lost time. Everybody chooses their method. The one that is working for us is Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. We're not on a tight schedule, but I loosely follow what I would call his pattern. Up for ninety minutes in the morning, then time for the morning nap. I try whenever possible to have the morning nap in the crib as it provides a good base for the rest of the day. We are also sleeping him on his stomach, with the blessing of two doctors. It works for us and has allowed us to get rid of the swaddle. Now that he is sleeping more, he truly is a happy boy. If he is fussing, he is either tired or hungry.

I am going to enjoy these moments as teething appears to be on the way, and I hear that is a total disruptor of schedules. I am also open to any tips and tricks for teething.

I am still looking for work. It's hard as this extra leave time wasn't planned for, but I just have to believe that I was given this break to appreciate what I tried so hard for...that irresistible face that makes me smile.

Franklin's First 3 Months

2011-08-14T21:48:00.001-07:00

I haven't been blogging because....I honestly haven't figured out where my blog is going. But, I appreciate all of you who have followed me through this journey, so I thought I'd share the first 90 days.

This digital scrapbook generated with Smilebox

I'll be the first to admit that it hasn't been easy. True to what everybody says, it does get easier and now that my little guy is 15 weeks old, we are starting to get in a bit of a groove. Some nights he actually sleeps 6-7 hours. He tends to now only fuss when he is hungry or overtired [which we try to avoid]. Most importantly, I think I have finally started to embrace motherhood. Yes, I miss our dinners out and trips to the Wine Country are a distant memory, but they simply can't replace the smile I get every morning when Franklin and I are having our first moments of the day.

I have been fortunate to have Clay home for the last four weeks which gave me some time to regroup. I started to play ice hockey again. After a year hiatus from real exercise, it felt so good to get out there and sweat, with no regards to what my heart rate was. I still have some big things ahead such as figuring out how to balance motherhood and a career. And thanks to a company relocation, I am having to look for a new job in the midst of all of this.

But, it doesn't matter, after two bouts of infertility spanning over a decade, I now am the mother of a beautiful little boy and that is all that matters.

A Moment of Quiet

2011-05-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time I enjoyed the quiet, peacefulness of my house. The last month has been one of the most chaotic, challenging times of my life. Right now the dog is sleeping, the baby is snoring and the husband is playing hockey--leaving me a minute to reflect and write about the last step of the pregnancy journey. Most of the time I am trying to sleep in every extra second, but last night I got a total of six hours sleep and that makes all the difference in the world.

When we last left off, I was headed to the hospital for an induction. There was no reason to think that the induction wouldn't work. I was dilated and effaced before I got there, but even the last step had to be a bit more complicated. Originally, we were supposed to be at the hospital at 6am, but they called at 5am to tell us that they weren't ready for us. We tried to go back to sleep for awhile, but it's like Christmas morning and the excitement prevents you from closing your eyes. Around 8am they called and said they were ready for us. We said we'd be there in an hour as we still hadn't eaten breakfast. The advice from our doula was to eat as big of meal as possible beforehand as I wouldn't know when I'd get my next meal.

Even though I wanted a natural childbirth, I wasn't planning to do it without the help of some medication. I was striving to be "relaxed but present" as this might be the only time I experience childbirth. About an hour and a half after being checked into the hospital, they started the Pitocin--which should start the labor going. I was a bit locked into bed as they were doing full-fledged monitoring on me as the blood pressure was still a risk.

After a couple of hours, the doctor came in and broke my water. I didn't think that was too bad until I went and sat on a birthing ball. Let's just say there was a lot of gushing over the next couple of hours--not a feeling I am in any hurry to repeat again. About three hours into the labor, the real contractions began. It was at this point we had our doula come in. I have no doubt that if we had tried to do this on our own, we would have had a very different experience.

The doula offered a lot of different options for managing the pain. At this point I still hadn't taken any pain medications. We were working through it with massage, positions and breathing. We even tried the shower--some people love being in water, but that one wasn't for me. I finally had to add some pain meds to the mix. I can honestly say that labor pain is unlike anything else I have ever experienced. OUCH! I was making progress, but it was slowing down. I was at 7cm and it was almost 730pm. I had been at this for nine hours at this point.

It was also time for the epidural. I waited as long as I could, but the pain was unbearable. The relief from the epidural was almost instantaneous, but it did nothing for my labor. I then started to second guess the pain meds, wondering if I should have held off? Every hour we would check my cervix and no more progress, we even napped for a bit. Finally about midnight, the nurse and the doula came to me and said that we needed to consider a c-section. As near as the nurse could tell, the baby's head wasn't in a position to go through the birth canal. The doula felt that she had used all her tricks to change position. It was also at this point that we realized that my epidural had pulled out and my pain levels were almost at a10 level again. It didn't take much convincing on my part to have the doctor be called in for the c-section.

I was disappointed that I wouldn't have the natural childbirth, but I was grateful to have experienced as much of it that I did. I know I gave it my best shot and the time had come to do what was best for baby. The c-section is a weird experience as they give you a spinal tap, so that you can't feel it but are awake through it. It's just bizarre to have people cutting you up while you are fully conscious. At 140am, our little defenseman was born. We heard him before we saw him as his cry was loud and clear as he came out.

We got what we asked for--a healthy baby boy who weighed 8 pounds, three ounces and was 20 inches long. All ten fingers and ten toes were present and accounted for. It was great having the doula at this point, she was capturing all of it on film while Clay tended to the baby, and she made sure that I was doing okay. It was at this point that the drugs and the hormones just make you shake, and you just can't stop for the next couple of hours.

Once I was sewn up, I was off to recovery and finally able to bring my baby to my chest. He was able to latch on right away. Now I know everyone is wondering where my teary, he's finally here moment was. I didn't have it during the delivery. And, I didn't have it for the next four days.

I finally cried when we were in the elevator going home. After many years of struggling, I was finally going home with a baby--our time had come to be parents.

Coming Soon

2011-04-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

In theory, this is my last day being pregnant-- 39 weeks and 2 days. Given some of the complications of this pregnancy, we are opting to induce tomorrow. It wasn't an easy decision as my preference would have been to let nature take its course and a May baby sounded great.

Instead, in the middle of the royal hubbub tomorrow, we'll be at the hospital hoping for a labor that comes easily and being able to avoid a c-section. I wish I was able to at this point write the heartfelt letter I'd like to about this journey, but that's going to have to wait until I have my full vision back.

My last paragraph is really a tribute to all the gals [and guys] I know who are still struggling to complete their journeys--whether they are still trying to conceive, waiting for adoption or making the decision to be childfree. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is not a glamorous disease--it's not life threatening, so it is hard to raise support and money for it. It is, however, life debilitating-- lots of tears, depression and general malaise. Often, there are very painful losses involved. If you know someone who is struggling, lend them some support or direct them to www.resolve.org. I can't say enough about how wonderful the online community is about helping each other make it through this tough time.

Thank you all for sharing this journey with me and for following my story. We couldn't have done it without you.

Please, Make It A Double

2011-04-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

Right now, I want a double vodka martini. At least then, I might have an explanation for why I have been seeing two of everything for the last 72 hours.

It all started on Thursday when I was feeling some sinus pressure. I didn't think much of it, except that it was annoying. Then, on Friday, I felt off--a little lightheaded and concerned enough that I had Clay drive me to the doctor. Then, late on Friday night, I looked toward the kitchen and saw two Clays....now if one wasn't enough to handle! I didn't think too much about it and assumed I'd wake up in the morning with the world looking alright.

That wasn't the case. Since Saturday, my vision has been a mess. I am seeing double when I look straight ahead. I had finally resigned myself to bed rest [and had survived the week thanks to Netflix streaming and a bunch of hockey playoffs], but now looking at any type of screen is a challenge. For the first couple of days I could use the computer with ease, but now I have to use my peripheral vision to type.

And, yes, I have called the doctors. My ob says as long as my blood pressure is in check--it just appears to be another type of swelling. I called the eye doctor this morning--he didn't want to see me. He said that tired, hormones, blood sugar, blood pressure, etc... were probably having an effect. None of it is very satisfying answers.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't deal with a health crisis very well. My brain always goes to the worst--what if this doesn't reverse? However, I think that is the challenge in front of me at the moment. I need to just have some peace about this and try to stick with the go forward plan, which is to have this baby in due time and have faith that everything will work itself out.

Meanwhile, I still feel incredibly lucky for all the friends and family I have. Hopefully, I don't forget anybody...but the last week you continue to amaze me with your kindness. LF for keeping me company. JS for helping me finish organizing the nursery. KC for both a lovely dinner and then going to BBB for those extras you thought the nursery needed. NK for the much needed In n Out fix plus babysitting me. KM for sending me a box of clothes, so that I don't freak out about not having the right clothes for #3 to wear. Mom for everything..shopping, fixing Easter dinner, more grocery shopping and more dinner fixing.

Since the Easter Bunny forgot to bring me #3, I can only hope he is on his way soon.

Place Your Bets

2011-04-20T10:44:00.001-07:00

I looked for an online baby due date pool, and I couldn't really find one that was easy for folks to use. So, feel free to leave your guess here on the blog or on my Facebook page.

Here are the facts.

Today I am 38 weeks pregnant--wow, who would have guessed.
As mentioned in post below, doctor is concerned about my health and wants to talk about possibly inducing. Next doctor's appointment is Tuesday, April 26th.
Due date is May 4th.
I am already dilated and effaced.
I have started to work with my acupuncturist to start a "natural" induction process.
This is the last day to have an Aries versus a Taurus.

Post day and time of day, weight and height. I promise the winner of the pool will get something fun.

House Arrest

2011-04-15T17:48:00.001-07:00

My Type A personality finally got the best of me. Today was my last day of work, so I was fast and furiously trying to get everything done before I went to my weekly doctor's visit. First we did the weekly heartrate monitoring and that was great, #3 is definitely very active.

Then, we went and took my blood pressure--it hit an all-time high of 152/100. The issue with this is that it can be a sign of pre-eclampsia, which is a very dangerous condition for pregnant women. Other signs include swelling...and anybody who has been around me for the last couple of weeks have seen my huge feet and ankles [maybe I'll share a picture]. I am still waiting to hear about lab results--but I am assuming no news is good news. The doctor was ready to send me to the hospital for monitoring, but she wanted to take my blood pressure a second time after I was on my side for awhile. The good news is that twenty minutes later it was down to 130/84. But, it is clear that I need to take it easy.

So, I am now on house arrest...me, the couch and the Zamboni for the next couple of weeks. I am bummed in the sense that I was looking forward to having a couple weeks to finish getting the house ready--"nesting". But, I know that all that matters at this moment in time is keeping #3 safe.

My due date is May 4th and that is starting to look suspect. My other stats today... I was 2-3cm dilated and already 50% effaced, so I do believe that Clay and I need to be ready for anything. And, I think we are.

April Showers

2011-04-03T21:23:00.000-07:00

Actually they were March showers, but it took awhile to get all the pieces together for this post. I had two magnificent baby showers--we opted to split them up to be more intimate. I apologize in advance if someone felt slighted.

I still find it hard to believe that I actually had a baby shower. A day doesn't go by [even with my swollen feet and expanding belly] when I don't take a deep breath and give thanks for being just weeks away from the new arrival.

No more words today...just pictures.

My friend Jenn made 24 individual block cakes--filled with coconut cream frosting. She cut all the lettering, etc by hand. The favors were herbs with the tag, "Grow with the Fiske Family".

Jenn and I

Julie, co-hostess, and shower giver extraordinaire

There's a great bib on the table, it says "Star of Mommy's Blog". The favors were Nancy's homemade truffles in these cute baby bottle boxes.

My mom and the future Aunt Nancy who threw a lovely brunch.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law flew in from Minnesota.

I could post so many more pictures. Julie got some terrific invitations and decorations from serendipitydesignco.com [they can be found on Etsy]. They were baby bottle Bellinis [which I heard were delicious]. The first venue was at a terrific new wine bar in Los Gatos called Enoteca La Storia. There were so many beautiful, cute and thoughtful gifts.

Thank you all for sharing in the celebration.

Time is Flying

2011-03-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

The big day is going to be here before I know it, and I am starting to have those feelings of not being prepared. I can just hope that little #3 hangs tight and doesn't come early.

To that point, Monday marked the first day of weekly NST testing. Nothing is wrong, but my ob Dr. S understands that I am a bit higher risk and wants to make sure that this journey has a happy ending. My first NST was in the morning, which isn't an ideal time as #3 tends to be quiet in the morning and a large part of the test requires that the baby be active. It took ringing a loud alarm to get him moving--hopefully this isn't a preview of school mornings to come. This next week I am going to try it at 4pm when I know that he is moving around down there.

I also had an unremarkable ob visit at that time, except for being referred to a specialist for a problem that is "a pain in the butt." Every pregnant woman seems to have one symptom that makes her life a little difficult. I know a lot of gals who are suffering from reflux--thankfully I am not one of them as I like to eat. I'll take the back end problem even as uncomfortable as it may be.

Tuesday night we went to our first childbirth prep class. The husband was a good sport, given that he had to give up a SJ Sharks game that night. Evidently the key mantra to childbirth is "Relaxation=Dilation". I am sure that is easier said than done. I do not plan to do natural childbirth--my pain tolerance is low, but I do hope to avoid a c-section. With our doula, we'll get started soon on writing a birth plan.

Part of the reason I am behind on blogging this week is that I went for one last girls' weekend. It was a great weekend and I know the gals enjoyed spending some time with the pregnant mama. I wanted them to feel him kick, but he never seemed to be good at putting on a show when demanded. I really appreciate their support in my life and they are going to be some fantastic aunties!

Sunset at Pismo Beach

The Feeling of Happiness

2011-02-20T12:14:00.001-08:00

Upfront I am going to warn my infertile friends who are still trying and in midst of their own pain that they may want to skip this one, but I hope they keep reading.

As I drove this morning to pick up breakfast and the sun was shining for the first time in days, I was smiling to myself. I have to say that feeling happy is not an unusual occurrence these days. Yet, I think back to last couple of years and those moments were not as frequent. When trying to have a child becomes a full-time battle, the emotional output simply bankrupts you.

Having gone through the fight to have a child twice, I have seen many dark times. I am fairly certain that the first time I was clinically depressed--and undiagnosed. The second time has been easier in the sense that I at least felt I wasn't alone in the battle and had a loving partner who was sharing the struggle with me.

On one hand I am grateful for the strength that infertility has given us as a couple. Instead of having a child just after our first year of marriage, we have had four years to build our foundation. Little #3 is going to be coming into a home filled with two parents who are confident in their love and ability to work through trials and tribulations.

What I can't take back from these last four years is all the angst and unrest over trying to have a child. I wish I had lightened up and just enjoyed our time together more--and stopped worrying about what was next. It is what it is. And yet, it only makes me appreciate so much more the sweetness of this time. I am so thankful for our persistence in having a child. I wouldn't trade away a minute of this pregnancy--to feel that little guy kicking away in my belly is priceless.

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to breathe easy until this little guy is delivered to the world, but that is not going to stop me from enjoying these moments of happiness. They've been a long time in coming.

Babymoons and Bumps

2011-02-11T20:57:00.001-08:00

It's official, we are in the third trimester and we have less than 12 weeks to go. Clay and I took our last trip together on an airplane as unencumbered adults. It was weird to think that on our flight coming home that it was the last one we would take without car seats, strollers and all the gear for a little person.

I think I have been in a bit of denial about how pregnant I look. Just a glimpse at this picture, plus confirmation from the OB today that my fundal height is 32cm--there's no denying I am pregnant. That said, the styles of clothes today does it make it hard to tell at times if a woman is just carrying a child or a couple extra pounds. According to my scale, I've gained 23 pounds so far. It still puts me in good range to stay under 35 pounds for the pregnancy which is the goal.

The OB visits have all been good news. I passed my gestational diabetes test, which meant no restricted diets. Phew! I struggle to eat veggies and love fruit, so any sugar restrictions would have been challenging. My iron level was a bit low, so I have added a supplement. In two weeks, we will actually start weekly fetal non-stress tests. I have blood clotting gene, MTFHR, and in some cases, it can cause the placenta to prematurely age. We went off blood thinners in December and agreed that as we got closer, we would make sure there was no resulting placenta issues. I still can't say enough about Dr. S and how much he cares that we have as relaxing of a pregnancy as possible.

It is often hard to justify the expense of a babymoon with all the coming expenses plus the former IF expenses, but I am really glad we did. We got lucky in that there were some good vacation packages and we were able to get away. Even though it wasn't the warm weather vacation that I was used to [aka lots of rum cocktails and baking in the sun], I really appreciated getting some time away with Clay. The "craziest" thing I did was go snorkeling. The swim part of that was fine--the bloody nose I got afterwards, not so much. We started to talk about names [sorry not disclosing that topic] and future family vacations.

For those who remember me talking about my 'carpool' buddies on this road, tomorrow I go to the first baby shower for one of them. I am so excited for her. It has been delightful to share the joy of this journey with her. She is also having a boy [as well as my other carpool buddy].

Time for me to put my swollen ankles up.

Moving right along

2011-01-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

I knew that once the holidays had been closed out it would be time to get into full gear on the baby planning. We are getting close to the home stretch. In just a couple of weeks I will be in the third trimester--right now I am 26.5 weeks. I am still feeling relatively good, though I am starting to get tired again in the late afternoons and evening. My workout routine is still a yoga class and a weight training session, plus plenty of dog walks every week.

And, I can't say enough about Harmony which is a great resource for expecting and new moms. In addition to offering a great selection of yoga classes, they also do Meet the Doula every month. Now I hadn't really been considering a doula, but when my sister-in-law recommended it after the birth of her third child, I decided to look into it. The benefits of a doula are many, especially if you are looking to either go natural or at least avoid a c-section. If you want to meet our doula, check Deidre out here. If you are thinking about a doula, keep in mind that the popular ones are booked two-three months out.

We have been trying to figure our way through all the gear. The book, Baby Bargains, has been helpful as well as advice from all the moms out there. We did finally order our crib and settle on a bedding theme.
This is Summersalt's Woof Woof and below is Bonavita's Metro Collection.

Right now I am trying to finish registering and sort through the various options for high chairs, strollers and bouncy seats. As overwhelming as it all is, I can't even begin to express how happy I am to be at this point. I still can't go to the baby store without tearing up at least once and feeling very grateful to finally be close to motherhood.

Another Peek

2011-01-06T18:53:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

This week's big event was going to get a fetal echocardiogram. Evidently some studies have shown that IVF babies have a higher likelihood of defects, so they want to get an earlier look at the heart. I am happy to report that everything looked great.

In addition to the heart, they looked at other parts. I have to say that I find the u/s technology so cool. We could see almost every bone in the spinal cord. And, yes, we did ask the tech to reconfirm that it was definitely a boy. [And, according to my husband, is exemplified by the early nose picking in the above picture.] Right now they estimate that #3 weighs about a pound. That does not explain the other 16 pounds I have gained--except for the increased bra size, that must be good for at least a couple other pounds.

I am finally starting to feel the kicks and movements. At the ultrasound this week, I could feel #3 move between when the tech did the ultrasound and the doctor came in for the second look. Sure enough, #3 had moved positions considerably--making it harder for the doctor to take a look. He seems to do that a lot at appointments.

One of the downsides of getting pregnant after a long bout of infertility is that it takes you awhile to truly believe it's real. This denial means that you don't get on top of your planning as early as you should. For instance, I almost missed signing up for childbirth prep classes before my due date. The clinic warned me that they fill up fast, and indeed they do!

Here's to an eventful 2011! Wishing everyone the year they desire!

It's a....

2010-12-20T21:52:00.001-08:00

If you can't see it, the frosting inside the cake is blue. We had family and a few friends over to "unwrap" the gender. It was a great excuse for a holiday open house and a chance to continue to celebrate with friends and family our progress in this journey. And, it's official, we really do have a defenseman in there.

We are officially halfway through the pregnancy. At 20 weeks, I have gained about 15 pounds, my stomach is now measuring 21cm and #3's heart is still beating about 150 per minute. I am finally feeling better. Most of the queasiness is gone--it only makes an appearance when I overdo it and am way too tired.

My goal for the new year is to try to do pre-natal yoga or a gym workout three times a week. I have this great trainer who is trying to make sure that my body is ready for birth and motherhood.

Meanwhile, I am just going to try and enjoy this holiday and appreciate how fortunate we feel to finally be on our path to parenthood. I know that there are still several of you out there who are still waiting for your miracle--you have all my holiday wishes that 2011 will bring you what you desire.

Inside and Outside

2010-12-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

This was a big week for us. We had our Level 2 ultrasound where we looked at all the bits to make sure they were coming together like they are supposed to. We are happy to report that we have a healthy #3.

Looking at the ultrasound was an amazing experience. The doctor's office we were in is fairly high tech and they had a big screen for us to sit back and watch. As you'll see below, there was a lot of hand waving. Even though you know that you have this living creature inside you, it continually becomes more and more real.

I haven't really shown any "outside" pregnancy pictures because my bump hasn't been much of a bump, but tonight after a hearty Mexican dinner--it shows up a bit. I can't complain as my weight gain is about right [13 pounds so far], but it is just enough for most of my old clothes not to fit any more. When I head back to headquarters for work this week, I will be sporting almost entirely a maternity wardrobe.

Of course, we did learn this week what sex #3 is. However, we won't be announcing to the general public until Dec. 23rd. Until then, I'll be putting up a poll for you to put your guess in.

Traveling while PG

2010-11-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

I am bummed that I haven't kept up with the daily blog for the 30 posts in 30 days, but the problem with being pregnant is that you really can't predict your energy level on any given day. We had a dog with digestive issues last week that seemed to peak between the hours of 1am and 5am. I was so tired every night. In some ways, it is a preview of what is to come in 26 weeks, but I'd like to get some sleep now!

That said, instead of dreading my trip East for business this week, I looked forward to it--and the promise of six nights of uninterrupted sleep. A lot of friends have been concerned that I continue to travel for work, but I am trying to do it with more common sense than I ever have. I am developing new rules for the road--all designed to keep stress and strain down:

1. Have food with you at all times. I keep myself stocked with energy bars, plus assorted other foods. You can't rely on the airline food carts--they often run out of food before they get to your row.

2. Have water with you at all times. We all know how important hydration is during pregnancy, and when you get on a plane, your needs almost seem to double. Again, you can't rely on the airlines. Bring a very large bottle on the plane. Today, beverage and food service didn't begin until two hours after takeoff.

3. Check your bag and ask someone to pull it off the luggage conveyor. Ask the rental car folks to lift it in the trunk. And even if you are staying at a minimum service hotel like the Hampton Inn, they will almost happily help you if you ask.

4. Arrive early to the airport, minimize your connections. Airlines don't make it easy to keep your stress levels down, but you have keep your passenger in mind.

5. Because you are drinking so much water, you should need to get up every couple hours. If not, do it anyway. Blood clots are always a potential threat and even more so during pregnancy.

6. Take some real time for yourself. Read a book. Watch a movie.

Time for me to catch some ZZZs.

The Week 14 Update

2010-11-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

I should have posted our Nuchal Fold scan last week, but I needed some time to cool down about the CA Dept. of Health.

The good news is that if you squint really hard, you can see a well-formed neck on little #3. The theory behind the Nuchal Translucency screening according to BabyCenter is that it helps "assess your baby's risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems. The NT test uses ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average."

In addition to the scan, I had also taken a panel of blood for the early genetic screening. Unfortunately, those results will not be made available to me. Despite a line in their 24 page booklet that says that patients have a right to their records, not me. Evidently the loss of #25 after week 8 means that my genetic screening would be invalid. So, why didn't they tell me before the extracted several vials of blood and $162? You would think that in their 24 page book, they would have one page dedicated to who shouldn't take this test. Evidently, my ob's office had not experienced this either.

And to further add to it, we most likely will not be able to do any genetic screening the entire pregnancy because of the vanishing twin. We are flying blind as we move forward. The only good news is that we used twenty-three year old eggs which does decrease our likelihood of any issues.

Then, on top of all that frustration, my ob told me I didn't need another ultrasound until Week 18. After being closely monitored all these weeks, it's time to just have a normal pregnancy. That's a little disconcerting, but as long as my stomach continues to expand, I am just going to believe that #3 is doing alright.

A Year of Miracles

2010-11-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

I still owe a post on my most recent scan, but as a long time San Francisco Giants fan we interrupt this blog for a celebration!

I have been a Giants fan for 43 years [well, maybe consciously for 38 years], never to experience the thrill of a World Series Victory. Tonight I had tears in my eyes as I saw the dreams fulfilled for millions of fans. The greatest thing about this accomplishment was that it was a team effort. No superstars, just a bunch of guys who didn't stop believing in themselves--even though the experts predicted a victory for the other team.

I know that #3 is doing a high five right now inside because "he" more than anyone can appreciate what a team effort can lead to. I am pregnant right now because there was a team of folks who believed that with a little science and a little luck I could be on the path to motherhood. Getting here has been filled with wins and losses, but the victory sometimes is sweeter when it is hard fought and unexpected.

Today's post is dedicated to all those who are batting against infertility. In those immortal words of Journey, "Don't Stop Believing."

And, thank you, San Francisco Giants. Enjoy your miracle.

Grandpa to Be, Me and #3 at Game 1 of the 2010 World Series against the Texas Rangers

The Beat Goes On

2010-10-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tuesday finally arrived and we got another peek at our little defenseman [#3]. I thought it still looked like a blob, but Clay believed it was an improvement over last time.

He's measuring right on schedule for 12 weeks at 52mm and the heartbeat was 156bpm.

And just for the record, here is the scan from last time.

Am I breathing easier? A little bit. I will still feel better when we are halfway down the road [isn't it always another milestone?], but the smile is back on my face and all I can do is keep having faith.

I am loving my new OB. I thought I could never replace my favorite Dr. R, but Dr. S really rocks. He was in a delivery today and could not meet with me, but he still called at 730 tonight to make sure there weren't any questions that I needed answering. He has cleared me for prenatal yoga and light workouts, so I am going to try to get back to the gym on a regular basis. I want to make sure that I am labor ready come 28 weeks from now.

This week will be my last week on vaginal suppositories--thank goodness. No one should stick that much stuff up them. I was very happy to be done with all my intramuscular shots.

Next up will be the Nuchal Fold scan on Friday the 29th.

The Week in Between

2010-10-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

Our next ultrasound isn’t until Tuesday, Oct. 19^th. Until then, I have to just continue to hold the deep belief that #3 is going to be just fine.

Last week was tough. Clay thought I was fine—he said I had my game face on. But, inside I was being torn up. Even though it wasn’t my fault, I found plenty of reasons to blame myself. I found myself going back into my darker infertile hole. Just days before I had been filled with nothing but joy and light, then I was confronted with yet another loss.

I reached out to my online community who had plenty of positive stories to share. It seems that vanishing twins are for more common than people know. I just wish that the doctor had warned us specifically about the possibility.

I took a huge leap of faith on Saturday, though. I bought some maternity clothes. So, I may leave the tags on until next Tuesday, but I thought that was a pretty big step. I think someone women are lucky and are able to stay in their street clothes longer, but all I can say is that my waistbands are tight. I was also thrilled to discover that even H&M has maternity clothes.

And, in even better news, I only have two intramuscular shots left this week. My body is making enough hormones that we can stop supplementing it and just let it do its thing. This is good news for everyone in the house. Clay, who has more then earned his candy striper badge, has done in my estimation over 200 shots for this cycle alone. This is not an easy task—and not something every husband is willing to do. Who wants to take a needle that’s an inch and a half long and stick it deeply into someone’s flesh? I asked a friend to do it this weekend while Clay was gone and I am not sure if she’s finished being traumatized.

At least I’ll be slightly distracted between now and next Tuesday as I am on my first business trip as a pregnant lady, which is not always a good combination—especially when your flight gets cancelled.

And then there was one

2010-10-04T14:58:00.000-07:00

We knew it was a possibility, but we truly were starting to believe it wouldn't happen to us. It seems there is this thing called "Vanishing Twin Syndrome" [and I've linked to an informative article on the subject].

I went to my final u/s for Oregon today, before we were to be officially released to our OB, and it didn't quite go as planned. In fact, I didn't even take Clay with me as I thought it would be innocuous. But, I thought it strange when the u/s tech decided to do an internal u/s instead of the belly. And, even my untrained eye, could tell that things weren't quite right. Maybe because one u/s picture had a heartbeat line and the other was a bit flat was a clue. Or, it was that Baby B just didn't look like the right shape.

Baby A--also known as #3 was fine. He's almost 23mm, heartbeat of 156 and measuring right about 9 weeks 3 days.

Baby B stopped growing sometime last week and no longer had a heartbeat. So, what does this all mean? The theory is that Baby A should be fine and continue to grow as babies will do. I may or may not experience any symptoms with the loss of Baby B. I think the larger issue to wrestle with is my own fears. To say that I am not freaked out would be a lie, yet I know for Baby A I just need to be zen with it. I have said all along through this process that we are meant to have the child we are meant to have.

All I can ask right now is that #3 stay safe for another 30 weeks because there are a lot of folks waiting to meet you, especially your Aunt Gigi who was at today's appointment and got to see your heartbeat. She got a little bit more than she expected, but I think she would agree it was worth it to see you on the screen.

Another Milestone Passed

2010-09-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went for our first ob visit, which included another ultrasound and some unpleasantness of things being stuck where you don't want them to.

#3 [also known as Twin A] is measuring at 2cm and had a heartbeat of 166bpm. #25 [also known as Twin B] was hiding out a bit, but he finally surfaced and was measuring 1.9cm and 170bpm. Both are right where they should be, so we are breathing a little easier. Given all the pg symptoms I have, I keep repeating the mantra that feeling bad is good.

We don't know anything about gender, but I am betting on two boys--which is why I keep calling them 'he' and 'defenseman'. We won't know the gender until December. It's funny--my dad doesn't want to know. Everyone will know around him, but he believes he can remain in the dark for the additional twenty weeks.

I actually switched to a new ob. I loved my old ob, but she is 30 minutes away without traffic. With a great hospital nearby, it made sense to find someone that is just 10 minutes away. He is very understanding of previously infertile women. He is willing to see you as much as you want to feel good about your pregnancy.

It's still hard to believe that I am pregnant!

The Aliens Have Taken Over

2010-09-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that I am no longer in control of my body? Those two little creatures above are now ruling how I feel on a daily basis. The frustrating part is that there is no consistency to how you feel.

Most days I feel pretty good between the hours of 7am and 2pm. Today, not so much. I am starting to get the sense that queasiness is becoming a part of my daily routine. Usually, I am lucky and I don't experience it until late in the day. And, despite, having had a good night's sleep, I have just wanted to nap for the last hour since coming home from breakfast.

This is really a change for me. I have never been the type that likes to just lounge around. If the sun is shining, then I am usually getting something done--either around the house or out running an errand. I have had to take my to do list down several notches. Everybody tells me this temporary and by week 13, I'll be back to my old self. All I know is that is still six weeks away.

Until then, back to the couch for me.

24 Hours

2010-09-12T11:41:00.001-07:00

That's how long to our ultrasound tomorrow. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. Despite some low moments over the last couple of weeks [spotting incidents], I still feel pregnant and optimistic.

What does pregnant feel like for me? Tired and like a couch potato. I have spent more time on my sofa in the last two weeks than I think in the last two months. My normal energizer bunny mode has been seriously shut down. It is not easy for me to adjust. I still feel like there is a hundred million things I should be doing, but I just have to keep remembering that it isn't all about me any more.

My biggest struggle right now is to drink enough water and eat enough vegetables when all I really want is sweet, sugary things, especially when all my vices are gone. Clay said I looked like Zamboni the other night when the wine was poured at the table and I had that hang dog look. I know it's a small sacrifice, but it's hard to find a replacement for the flavor of wine. A lot of people drink for the buzz, I actually drink because I enjoy the taste.

Stay tuned.

Hang on for the Ride

2010-08-30T20:47:00.001-07:00

A couple of months ago I asked folks if they wanted me to keep posting and hear all the details of our conception process. They said keep doing it, and I did. Though, most of it has been on the No Expiration Date blog.

I am keeping my promise and I am sharing along the way. Last week the first part of our dream came true. Not only did I see two lines on a home pregnancy test, we saw the words "pregnant" on the digital test [so much better than the alternative 'not pregnant']. But, it isn't official until the doctor says so.

I went in for two blood tests. The first came back at 332, and the second came back at 716. What the doctor is looking for with the two tests is that the body is working and that the number doubles within 48-72 hours. The number represents how much HCG your body is producing.

The one thing I promised myself if I got pregnant was that I was going to enjoy it. I wasn't going to make myself crazy with worry. So, we've let ourselves savor the moment and now we want to share it with you, but we have a couple of conditions. First, you can be excited for us but don't show it too much yet [no cards until the second trimester]. Two, just keep up all the wonderful thoughts you've had for us in the last couple of months--I swear it really has helped us get this far.

In return, we are going to keep you posted as things happen. What this means is that you could end up sharing our joy, or hopefully not, our disappointment if things don't work out. Our next big step is an ultrasound on Sept. 13th. It is at that appointment they will look for the heartbeat.

However, I am cautiously optimistic. I ordered a pregnancy book and I am already rolling names through my head.

Finally, I had the opportunity earlier this month to tell my story at BlogHer with Yahoo Shine. It wasn't intentional but infertility has helped me reinvent myself. You can watch the interview here. The one thing I have to continue to hold true is that I am living the life I am supposed to be living.

What Direction?

2010-05-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

I knew it had been a while since I'd written on this blog, but I didn't know that it had been well over a month. It's not surprising because I have been trying to figure out what to do with it. I admire so many others' blogs: PCOS Chick, Busted Plumbing, and After the Alter. They are engaging, visually attractive and fine examples of blogging.

I started this blog with the best of intentions. It provided a place to tell my infertility story without having to tell my story--answer questions for friends and family indirectly. Then, I got the wonderful opportunity to blog with Conceive, and I got lazy about this blog. In the last couple of weeks I have considered going dark completely. I have a new position that requires me to be a leader across the organization and across the globe. Now, it is possible to keep those two worlds separate, but the reality is that they some time cross. I have Facebook friends who I work with. I post my blog on to Facebook. How exposed do I want to be?

Perhaps, the time has come to actually have a more general blog and not one that is all about infertility. I love living in Silicon Valley--and even started a second blog for awhile about discoveries nearby. I also have been in high tech marketing for over two decades and know a thing or two. But, if there's one thing I understand about marketing--it is hard to please everyone. So, please be patient with me over the coming weeks as I try to find my way again.

There's no doubt that I love storytelling and have appreciated the support from friends and followers who have been reading along.

Color to this week's Conceive blog

2010-03-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

On my officially published blog, we refrain from publicizing clinics, etc. Tomorrow or Thursday my next entry will be published. I referred to a couple of things that I wanted to link to here.

The clinic I am considering right now is Oregon Reproductive Medicine. Thanks to Marna at PVED. I am so happy to be talking to Dr. Hesla. He is progressive and open to treating some of the immune issues. Marna also wrote a great comment on the questionable Slate article.

On a personal side, I am really getting close to taking a full-time job and the best part I have a boss who is supportive of this effort! That is worth a million bucks.

The Unexpected Sigh

2010-03-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

As far as infertility goes, I have been doing okay. It's always easier when there is a plan on the horizon. Even though we don't have a cycle or a clinic nailed down, I know it is simply a matter of making a couple of decisions.

Yet, the other night while I was out to dinner with my mother, I had that wistful moment. She's had a tough six months with my grandmother falling down and a diminished support network. What I told her, however, is that it doesn't matter how tough things get, you have to keep the faith that it is the path you are supposed to be on. With that, I started to cry and say that is the only reason I can believe I am still childless.

I won't lie. I still don't understand why I have struggled for over a decade to have a baby. But, the only thing that helps me sleep at night is the belief that there is a reason for all this. I have walked this road to learn things about the world and myself that were previously hidden.

Sigh over with... back to believing that there is a happy ending to this journey.

Still struggling

2010-03-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Despite all the good advice of my friend on my post below, I had another no win week at the diet. I did make my goal of five workouts last week. I feel slightly less flabby, but the scale is not my friend.

It didn't help that I had a friend who had a really bad week and that involved some chick flicks, karaoke and wine therapy. How was I to know that in exploring Persian food, I would encounter huge mounds of rice---never before seen in such epic proportions. The excuses continue to be many.

That said, this is a new week. I am flying out for business today and I did something I never did before. I packed my lunch. I have a flat belly approved, MUFA rich lunch. The only thing that can really do me in is that Delta serves those darned Biscoff cookies. A cup of coffee and some cookies, music to my tastebuds.

I wanted to go to the gym this morning, but a longer dog walk won out. I was feeling guilty enough that I was leaving the poor pooch. Zamboni used to have the working parents lifestyle--crated every day and lived for his daily walks. Now he has the work at home lifestyle--couch during the day and plenty of tidbits while I am around.

I just have to keep trying to make the right choices. I packed my gym clothes. Even if I can squeeze in one workout, that will be better than none.

That's my pep talk to my self. Time to go squeeze into the sardine can.

No Flat Belly Here

2010-03-01T16:37:00.000-08:00

I posted on my Conceive blog last week that it was time to hit the diet hard. You would think after publicly declaring to thousands of people my intentions, I would actually make some progress.

The first four days of the diet went well and I was strictly following the Jump Start. Then, there was the cooking class I had signed up for two months ago, "Cooking with Cabernet" and then there were the friends over for dinner and then...I just stopped making excuses. Nobody forced me to eat three white chocolate macadamia nut cookies after our hockey game.

Of course, when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was exactly the same weight when I stepped on it last Monday morning. As my friend Nancy would say, "Quel surprise" [It just sounds better in French.]

All I could do today was simply start over and forget about last week's false start. I have walked the dog, went to the gym and ate according to plan. There are no open wine bottles in the house, so I have no excuse but to stick to water tonight.

Why is dieting so hard? When I walked into Starbucks on Saturday, I had every intention of just having a plain cup of coffee, but then they had this new Dark Cherry Chocolate Mocha to try. I do believe that was the moment when my willpower failed me. I wish I hadn't tried it. It was like liquid chocolate covered cherries...now I want another.

I think moderation is hard for me. It is either abstinence or indulgence--nothing in between keeps me on the straight and arrow.

Any tips from successful dieters out there?

Close Call

2010-02-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

Or, so I thought. I was late this month. I am never late. Clockwork is how my AF runs. So, on day 32 of what is typically a 30 day cycle, I allowed myself a couple hours of what ifs. I imagined not playing hockey that night and whispering over to my parents that I needed to do some blood work the next day to confirm a positive pregnancy test.

So, I broke down and POAS'd for the first time in a couple months. As I waited for the digital reading, I willed it to show those words, "pregnant". But, the only miracle that was happening on that Sunday was the USA hockey team beating the Canadian hockey team.

And, then wouldn't you know it, two hours later AF showed up. So, my moral of the story...if you want to bring AF on, take an expensive pregnancy test.

Getting Close to Revving It Up Again

2010-02-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

It looks like it has been a good month since my last post. I have been doing a lot of inward versus outward reflection as we ponder what our Plan B is. Many of you, I think, read this week's post at Conceive, but if you haven't, I invite you to check it out now. http://conceiveonline.com/no-expiration-date/2010-02-11-share/

I asked many of you to weigh in on how it is to ride the rollercoaster with me through this journey. Your words have been encouraging and reflective, and I greatly appreciate them.

Stay tuned as next week we will be announcing Plan B.

Retreat and then Attack

2010-01-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

On tomorrow's Conceive blog, I will talk a bit about the importance of taking time to think at the various crossroads in your fertility journey. What I didn't do in the blog was talk about the retreat itself.

Even though I consider myself progressive in nature, the fact that I get acupuncture probably moves me a step up the "granola" scale and going to a women's retreat was another big leap up the scale. That said, I approach these things with more of a rational mind--for good or bad.

The retreat was led by Carolyn Foster,who you can learn more about her and her various services on her website. I met Carolyn over 20 years ago when I took one of her creative writing classes at West Valley College. What made Carolyn's classes different was that she had you write to gain personal insight. Following her own career transition to a professional coach, I have used her on and off over the last seven years to navigate the complexities of career, marriage and self.

This weekend's retreat was called, "Making Friends with Time: Patience, Silence and Presence". When you weren't in a learning session, you spent your time not speaking with any body while in the retreat center. In fact, all of our meals were in silence, except for some music in the background. That was one of the hardest things for me to get used to. It simply goes against my grain to be quiet during a meal. That and the twin bed....though, my husband commented that was more room than when the dog is in our king bed. I couldn't argue with that.

We had a total of five learning sessions. They were structured like this: First, Carolyn would lecture for about 30 minutes on a topic. Then, she would give you a writing exercise for another 30 minutes. After the exercise, you would break out into small groups and share your writings/thoughts. Some sessions were more interesting than others--just depends on where your thoughts are. My favorite one was on time perspectives, which was based on Philip Zimbardo and John Boyd's work in The Time Paradox. In fact, I am saving an entire blog post to talk about what I learned in that exercise.

She brings a great portion of her library, so you can borrow books that you might never pick up. I read Money by Liz Perle, which talks about women's relationships with money--a very interesting read. Plus, the center also had an art room and hiking trails, so you could do as little or as much in your spare time that you wanted. In fact, Carolyn's policy about the retreat is that you don't have show up to anything if you don't want to. She just wants to provide the space and haven for women to have some restoration time.

Now, you could argue that you could have just as much renewal going to the spa for the day, but I can guarantee that will be short-lived. When we spend some time to open our minds and expand our thoughts, we change the way we live--even if it is in the most subtlest of ways.

I detailed out the retreat a bit because I asked a few girlfriends to go with me and I think everyone was pretty hesitant about it. The one friend who was brave enough to sign up, came down with pneumonia and had to cancel. I realize this isn't for everybody, but I do think that you might be surprised at how good it can be.

Interesting Article

2010-01-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

Not sure how I missed this one earlier this year in the New York Times. This gal talks about life without children and the complex place it is.

We are not here yet, but I wanted to have this as a resource article.

It is a new year and we are moving very slowly back on the conception trail. We have a lot of thinking and planning before any real action is going to happen.

My neglected blog

2009-12-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

Because I have been doing my primary blogging on Conceive, this poor blog has been neglected. In fact, I am absolutely ashamed of myself that I didn't at least come in last Friday and type those three awful initials: BFN.

How am I a week later? Better than I expected. Evidently my strategy of not falling into doom and gloom seems to work. It also helps that my friends are following my advice and not really talking about it. Because the moment I do start to talk about it, my voice begins to crack and the tears come to the surface. Now, I know denial isn't always your best strategy, but I am okay with that for now.

After taking essentially five months off to focus on improving my fertility, I am now working again. Given that we have no infertility insurance coverage, there was just a limit to how long I could go without working. Unfortunately, I think I will need to work a few months before I can even consider another round of treatment. In a time where many people are suffering from having no health insurance, I know I should feel lucky that I have health insurance. If I got pregnant, there would be plenty of coverage. But, I did not choose infertility. Infertility is not an elective disease--it baffles me on how insurance companies continue to get away with not providing coverage. Or, is it more that companies are to blame? Neither my former company or my husband's current company think it is a benefit worth including. I never thought that I would be one of those people who spent a $100,000 to have a baby. But, we are halfway there and, obviously, unless there is a miracle occurring in my womb in the next six months.... that home equity loan is going to be looking very attractive. Has anybody been following how infertility will fare in the proposed health care plans?

After a very long working day, I am going to call it a night. My next post, however, will talk about my exciting blog award that my TTC friends have bestowed upon me.

Obsession...

2009-11-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

The 2WW continues to suck. I second guess every possible creak, squeak and leak of my body. Am I tired tonight because my body is working for two now? Was the spotting today the mythical implantation spotting?

I am trying to get the courage tomorrow to POAS [pee on a stick]. I really want to know, but at the same time it is nice to live in lala land.

Is it Friday yet? I am ready to make my next set of plans. And, I am ready to live without hockey and cocktails.

2WW is on!

2009-11-17T10:29:00.000-08:00

Here they are. All that time, all that money. And, hopefully, worth every penny. What you are looking at above is a full forward hockey line. Though, realistically, it is still going to be a miracle if we get a left winger out of the bunch. [Need a left winger, since I play right and hubby plays center].

The best embryo is the one up at the top. It is seven cell with minimal fragmentation. The second one has seven cells but more fragmentation and the last one is only five cells--the runt of the litter.

I am now resting and trying to coax the little guys to find a nice home in my uterus, where I promise to love and nurture them for the next 9 months.

The full details on my IVF process should be up on Conceive in the next day or so.

Thanks again to everyone who has just been the greatest cheerleaders during this process.

Latest Update

2009-11-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

I went back for another u/s today and they changed the game plan slightly based on today's statistics

Left: 20.5, 16.5, 14, 10.5

Right: 13,12.5, 12

Lining 7.1

There's a 5% risk that the big follicle could ovulate before 1030 on Friday, but we are going to take that chance. By the time we are done, I will have been on stimulation medications for 14 days. There will have been a total of 61 shots--most of which have been given by super trooper husband.

New schedule:

Trigger Wed night

Retrieval 1130am on Friday

Transfer 11/16 Monday if all goes well

Keep your thoughts focused on the underdogs catching up and the lead dog staying put until Friday!

A week later...and on track

2009-11-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what a week can bring. After Monday's horrible ultrasound, things started to pick up. We went back today and here's what we have:

Left side, there are 4 follicles {16.5,11,9,6} The sixth is probably worthless, but still nice to see that they are coming up.

Right side, there are 3 follicles all in the 9mm range.

The trick now is to grow the rest without the big one getting too big, or else they will all release before the doctor has a chance to retrieve them.

Current schedule:

Final u/s on Tues 11/10
Trigger shot Tues night
Thurs Egg Retrieval 11/12
Transfer, most likely 11/15

Thanks for everyone's good vibes. They are definitely helping.

Tough Start

2009-11-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

If you check out my Conceive blog, you'll get all the details about today's visit to Stanford.

I want to thank all my online buddies who have had lots of encouraging words today and have told me not to give up hope yet. We'll just have to see what the coming week will bring.

Trying hard to keep my chin up.

All Systems Go...

2009-10-19T16:59:00.001-07:00

This morning we had our baseline ultrasound at Stanford. I thought this was to check for follicles, but this is actually to make sure that your ovaries are truly resting and getting ready for the next cycle.

The doctor saw one small cyst on each ovary, but they were nowhere near a size that he said we should be concerned about.

We opted to push my cycle out four days as I didn't want to deal with the hassle of taking the medications on the airplane, figuring out how to keep them cool, etc. Plus, what's the fun of a college reunion if you can't have at least one drink.

Our current tentative schedule is:

Start shots on 10/27
First stim u/s 11/2
Projected egg retrieval 11/8
Projected embryo transfer 11/11

All these dates, of course, are subject to change.

And, please visit my Conceive blog to hear me complain about no sex this week.

Two days until baseline

2009-10-17T11:05:00.001-07:00

The hysteroscopy went fine on Thursday. For more details, check out my next Conceive blog posting.

On Monday morning we will get our baselines ultrasound. I am not expecting miracles...like suddently having 10 resting antral follicles on each side, though if I had a total of 10 I'd be ecstatic.

If I was a betting woman, I think we are going to see four on each side. Eight total would make me happy. You then start doing the math...eight eggs, four fertilize, two are decent...then you have something to put back.

I am still struggling to get my head in this cycle. There is still too much going around me like remodeling the house, taking care of Grandma, looking for work. This weekend we are going to try and restore some order in the house where we can. I need for some area of my life to feel settled [besides my love life]. I suppose though it wouldn't be my life if it wasn't totally crazy like this.

Officially on the IVF path...

2009-10-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

AF came yesterday. Even though I knew five days ago, there is still always the hope up until the very end that maybe this was the month.

I started the birth control pills yesterday....still is always odd to me that you use birth control pills to increase your fertility, but I trust that the doctors know best. I am now saying no to adult beverages....I can only hope it will be 12 months before I have another! I am trying to get back on the organic, good for you multi-grain diet, but that is tough. Nobody around me ever shares that desire and brings over yummy lemon rings with nothing but flour and sugar in them.

Still trying to keep my stress levels down. Grandma is now at a convalescent hospital, but she is on a very slow recovery path. My mom and I take turns going to visit her and keep her spirits up.

Tomorrow I will resume acupuncture. I am so looking forward to it. I truly believe I feel better when I get the acupuncture regularly.

Just come already....

2009-10-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

If it's CD25, then it must be spotting time. Just once, I was hoping that I wouldn't see the familiar signs. Just one more time, I would get pregnant naturally and there would be no need for the upcoming IVF cycle. No such luck.

After I miscarried the first time, everybody told me, you'll get pregnant again. And there begins the many stories of successes. Next time it was after I had my HSG. That will clear out your tubes, you'll be pregnant in no time. After my failed IVF, there were the stories of women getting pregnant on the rebound. And, even during my IVF prep session, the nurse had the story of the couple who got pregnant while they were beginning their preparations.

I'll just say it. I am grumpy. I am tired and stressed out. This last week has been extremely trying with my grandmother. I have a UTI. At this point, I just want something in life to go a little easier.

I'm done with my self-pity rant.

Showing the Four Generations

2009-09-30T17:44:00.001-07:00

In my Conceive blog this week, I talked about the 4 generation photo. I finally got a chance to scan it in. Love that hairdo and the styling leather jacket. This was also a time when my hair wasn't red yet.

If you didn't read the blog, you can check it out here http://conceiveonline.com/no-expiration-date/

Does Jetlag Change Your Cycle?

2009-09-26T11:09:00.001-07:00

So, I don't know if it is day 16 or 17...seriously, if you take a long distance flight and you re-live another 12 hours, what happens to your cycle?

There were no POAS moments in Germany, so I can only guess whether or not I ovulated. The CM looked beautiful, so maybe that Bavarian water was good for me! We certainly optimized our chances, if you know what I mean... There just might have been a little tipsy post-Oktoberfest activities.

I did turn 42 while in Germany, so I am officially on the down hill slope of the infertility clinics. I just wish my eggs felt as young as I do. A few more birthday celebrations now that I am home, then I am going to focus on getting ready for the next IVF cycle with a lot of diet, exercise and acupuncture.

28 days....

2009-09-11T11:51:00.001-07:00

Almost unheard of for me to be at 28 days, but today is officially CD 1 of my last unmedicated cycle. I didn't get acupuncture this month. I can tell the difference. Everything isn't "flowing" as well as it normally does. The cramps are greater, but I do think the diet has stemmed of some of the emotional PMS as well as the bloating.

Bummer....

CD 28...the end is near

2009-09-10T22:43:00.001-07:00

Gads...I hate this part of the cycle. I know my period is coming because the spotting came as expected, but still I hope that maybe it is a false sign. In the end you just want AF to come, so you can start a new month and a new cycle of hope.

I've added my new Conceive Online blog link. I am very excited to a be a part of that community. Writing is a passion of mine that I am trying to reignite, and I'm excited for the support.

Last night we attended a Family Building Options seminar at Stanford. It was a moving evening as people shared their stories. I will write more as I process the night. I honestly don't know where we will go if this next cycle doesn't work.

Home Stretch of the 2WW

2009-09-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

We are on CD 25. If everything goes as it usually does, the spotting will start tonight or tomorrow. Then, we'll have our first indication that this month is just like any other. Until then, I am still in the hopeful phase. I dreamed last night about scheduling a 6 week ultra/sound. I very rarely dream about pregnancy. The last time I did was when we had our chemical with the IVF. However, there are no early symptoms, so my guess is that I'll be going to Oktoberfest with an empty mug--ready to be filled with delicious German beer.

Starting this week I will also have a regular blog on ConceiveOnline as their Over 40 blogger. As soon as it is up, I will post. I am not entirely sure yet about how the two blogs will interact with each other. My intention is still to make this one the more detailed cycle posting for friends and family.

Speaking of cycles, we decided to stick with our current clinic and as soon as we are back from vacation will start on the priming for a retrieval and transfer in November.

Hope is Refusal

2009-09-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

This weekend I attended the memorial service of a very dear friend of mine. She was a woman who lived her life fully--even more than I knew prior to the service. Prior to the cancer, she battled infertility. She suffered through six miscarriages andwas about to start third party reproductive treatments when they found the cancer. With the cancer, it was never clear what the future looked like, so she opted to remain child-free.

What I found out at the service was that C was one of the key folks in leading the children's Sunday school. When speaking about it at the memorial service, the point was made that even though C was no longer with us, there were seeds of her in all the children she touched. Choosing to be child-free doesn't mean that you can't influence the future and have a legacy. In fact, it actually opens the door to potentially influencing more than one individual.

That said, we're still not ready to make that call yet. I am not a particularly religious person, but there was a line from Sunday's service that really struck me.

Hope is the refusal to accept the reading of reality which is
the majority opinion.-Walter Brueggemann

That line is truly the tagline for anyone over 40 who is on this quest. There are a lot of folks who will tell you it can't happen, but there are still a few out there who believe. I still believe.

Even in C's last battles this summer with cancer, she still understood my battles with infertility. She was the first to reach out when it was public knowledge that a good friend of ours was pregnant. She knew that even though I was happy that my just-turned 40 friend was pregnant, it was still tough news to swallow.

The best I can do to honor her is to continue my fight against infertility with the same grace and resilience she showed her whole life.

Please Ask for Help with Infertility Stress

2009-08-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

I don't normally post my written audio blog, but I have excerpted my current audio blog because I think the topic is so important.

Yesterday there was an anonymous posting on an infertility board of which I participate on. My interpretation and the interpretation of twenty-two other women was that the writer had left her suicide note for all of us to read. The despair that had plagued her was tremendous. She lost a pregnancy at 16 weeks, was financially bankrupt and, clearly, emotionally spent. I am just an armchair psychologist at this point, but my guess is that she suffered from a post-partum depression that could have been magnified when she started to use fertility medications again.

Because she posted anonymously, we had no way to reach out to her except through posting. We posted the suicide prevention hotline number, we shared our stories, we begged her to just call somebody. It is the rare woman suffering from infertility who doesn’t have some dark days. As found on renowned mind-body expert, Alice Domar’s website, research has shown that the stress associated with fertility treatment can be at a level comparable to the stress associated with serious illness. Patients who seek emotional support early in treatment are often better prepared for their experiences and find it significantly less stressful than patients who do not.

If you are emotionally struggling with infertility, please seek out help. There are so many of us out here trying to help each other, sometimes in person, but most of the time virtually through chat groups, emails and twitter. You can even take an infertility stress test http://www.domarcenter.com/fertility/stress_test.html

I don’t know the ending to the story. We have all waited breathlessly today for anonymous to post again and tell us that she called for help. We haven’t heard a thing. We can only hope that she is with someone who is helping her as I speak.

If you or somebody you know is depressed because of infertility, please reach out to someone. Infertility may feel like the end of the world, but there is still so much more.

Filling the Void

2009-08-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

Today's post is actually coming from Napa. It is too early to start tasting wine, so it is a great time to take a moment and ponder about this week's random thoughts. Even though infertility is a big part of my current mid-life crisis, I do think there is more to it.

Yesterday, I had a chance to meet Amelia Ceja, president of Ceja Vineyards. She is the woman we all strive to be--successful in her passions [food, wine, experiencing life]. She took my friend and I down a row of grapes, picking grapes from different places and readily identifying the flavors [kiwi, apple, tropical] and every grape she enjoyed and savored. She talked about the rivers and the importance of keeping the community strong. Every word was filled with her enthusiasm. This busy woman took an hour of out of her day to take two strangers into her world. I believe that often people come into your world for a reason. I think our visit to Ceja and to meet Amelia yesterday was to put the fire back into me for living a complete life.

As much as I want a child, having a child is not going to fill the passion void I am currently experiencing. As infertile women, I think we often fall into a trap of believing that the only thing that is going to make us ultimately happy is to have a child. But, that is so far from the truth. In order to be good parents, we need to be whole individuals--people who can be happy for themselves and not because of others. Yet, it is hard every day to do something besides think about how am I going to be able to have a child.

There is another gal I know who has also stepped off the career track to improve her fertility. She is also finding that being focused on infertility is not enough. She is looking for more purpose. Women have made great strides. Even as little as fifty years ago, it would have been rare for this conversation to be happening. Women were expected to only amuse themselves with interests as side dishes to their main job of having children. Today, we have the opportunity to be who we want to be as well as a mother.

My bottom line thought today for my infertile friends is to take a minute today and look past infertility. Think about what else you want in life to fill your spirit. Try to spend some time keeping yourself whole.

Now, time to start tasting more wine.

CD 1 Starts tomorrow

2009-08-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am like clockwork. It really is scary. I always have a 30 day cycle. Right on time, AF started to show up around 5pm and in infertility time that means tomorrow. So, we will officially start this process up again.

This coming month I have mixed feelings. We head to Oktoberfest in September. I know--Oktoberfest should be in October, but it is not. I would hate to find out I was pregnant and then get on a plane to Munich. Though, I would LOVE to have that problem. Given that there is a 1 in 25 chance of that happening, it looks like it will be IVF for us again this fall.

Right now I am checking out various clinics. I don't know what I am looking for. That's not true--I do know, I am looking for hope. I had a clinic do a wonderful job of explaining the last couple of years to me in baseball terms. I have been at bat and I have hit two foul balls. In baseball terms that would be two strikes. But, I am hitting the ball, and you just never know when that next hit is going to go out of the ball park.

So, we are going to keep hoping for that homerun.

Love my new phrase for the week

2009-08-06T11:40:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I saw someone posting about "preconception hypochondrias". I get it completely. I swear I had implantation cramping on Sunday. Today I am sure I have experienced the mythical implantation spotting. It is just amazing how easy we can dream up symptoms for ourselves.

Earlier in the week I was feeling optimistic that maybe this cycle would defy the odds. Put me in that lovely predicament of getting pregnant before going to Oktoberfest. Today, not so much, I simply have that feeling that I am having one of those freaky cycles. Normally I am a clockwork 30 days, with spotting on Day 25. You can turn a calendar to my cycles. I can't quite explain today's anomaly.

Mentally I am feeling stronger. It also helps that we have a plan in motion. Right now I am interviewing clinics to do another IVF round in the fall. I still may end up at our previous clinic, but I want to feel like I have done my due diligence this round.

I also feel better because I am exercising and eating better. I am almost a third of the way to my weight loss goal. Woohoo. That is, until I go to book club tonight, which is always good for a couple of pounds.

Couldn't Resist the Sticks

2009-07-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

I couldn't quite leave this cycle entirely alone. I decided to do the OPKs this month to see where my cycle is after all the hormones last month. But, I am so confused. I am really not clear what day of the cycle I am on. Those first couple of days were so fuzzy and not clear. The surge happened sometime between yesterday am and today am. But, I just don't know if today is CD15 or CD16, according to my previous post...it should be CD16, but that really is a late surge.

I can understand why my TCM folks say to forget the kits, they just make you more confused. All I know is that there has been plenty of BD this week, so we can only hope that my grandma's bd [today] is a lucky day. Hopefully, she is somewhere upstairs putting in a good word with the universe for me.

DH and I are headed off for a mini-vacation, which will have no discussion of IF. Time to simply go enjoy and be married.

What Day Is It?

2009-07-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

You can always tell when it is one of those in between cycles. I can't tell you what cycle day it is. I have to sit down with a calendar and really think about it. Last week was a bit of a blur. The let down after the medicated cycles is always greater than a natural cycle. It makes sense. You believe you have done all you can to optimize your chances and still nothing to show for it.

I felt horrible for a good friend of mine. She picked last week to call and tell me she was 4 1/2 months pregnant, which for a 40 year old is fantastic news. She's made it through all the hard hurdles. I was happy as I could be for her--but still playing in the back of my mind is why is it so easy for most people. Yet, for a chosen few, it is a tremendous struggle.

I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. I am a little late to the boat in reading it, I will admit. However, I believe that timing is essential in this universe. I needed to be in the right space to hear the messages in the book. I am not ready to run to an Ashram, but it got me thinking about how much I need to carve some time out to just have some mind space around this whole topic. As I could start to feel the low wave of depression starting to creep in, I decided to stop it this time. Instead, I picked up Alice Domar's Conquering Infertility and started doing some of the mind/body relaxation techniques. Plus, I put a call into my therapist from my previous bout of infertility a decade ago. I am sure that if I ever decide to run for office in the future, someone will find this blog and misconstrue my words. But, I believe we should be in a world where we are not afraid to admit that sometimes we need some help thinking things out.

And, that's where I am at....on cycle day 9.

Waiting for the Call

2009-07-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

The call is going to come any moment now. It will tell me what I already know. Another cycle, another $5k that ended in nothing. I have already cried today. It started early this morning when the spotting and the cramps started to make their appearance.

I have promised that this time I will avoid the self-destructive behavior...just one martini, not three tonight! In fact, I am more interested in actually getting back to heavy duty workouts. After spending a day on closet organization this week and having to send to many items to either storage or donation because they are too tight, I am ready to get my pre-infertility shape back again. As much as I believe some the Chinese medicine theories about not overtaxing the body, I am ready to run again. I need the outlet of exertion as well as control. Control over something...because let me tell you, I feel like I have no control over infertility. Even though, in some way, I do. I can choose how many treatments or procedures we go through.

The choice I am making for the next couple of months is to step away for the assisted cycles. Go back to the old-fashioned way. When we get back from vacation, later this summer I plan to have a next step. It is not clear to me right now what that next step will be.

The call finally came...it's officially a BFN cycle.

3 More Days

2009-07-12T09:10:00.001-07:00

of waiting, but the gloom is already starting to set in. I have officially joined the club of compulsive POAS folks. Today I am 12 dpo [days past ovulation] and there isn't any sign of something positive to come. In fact, my boobs, which had been rather sore, have started to return to normal. So I am preparing myself for the usual outcome on Tuesday.

My big dilemma will be what to do next if it is negative. I hadn't planned to cycle right afterwards, but with a vacation planned in September, if we don't do next month. We will then up taking a three-month break. And, of course, a three-month break that leads right into my 42nd birthday, which is not a good birthday in the infertility medical field. Can you hear the heavy sigh?

There's not much I can do. I have a friend here from college, so the best thing I can do is just enjoy her company and know what will be will be.

Almost Blastoff...

2009-06-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

We are officially at CD 12. Another 8 shots of Follistim, one trigger shot, lots of herbs and acu, plus a ton of hope. I still have five follicles in the race. On Saturday, the ultrasound showed 2 still on the left at 16.5, 13. For the right, there were 14.5, 14 and 11.

We are trying to take some of the morning procedure stress away, so we are staying up in Palo Alto tonight. Plus, it makes it easy to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday up there. We'll have a more leisure morning, maybe breakfast at Il Fornaio, and by 11am, we will hopefully be on our way to a BFP. And thankfully, Auntie J is going to watch the four-legged kid tonight.

There won't be much more to report in the 2WW [except for the POAS obsession]...my beta is scheduled for Bastille Day [July 14 for the non-francophiles].

My acu reports that my stress levels and pulse are night and day from when I was working, so I can only hope this new lifestyle brings some luck my way. Let's face it...science can only do so much.

The Numbers for Day 7 U/S

2009-06-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

We are on track so far this month. It looks to be three follies on the right and two follies on the left. The good news is that they are all currently between 9-12, so it is a nice even crop. For those who aren't familiar with growing follicles, you hope that they are all around the same size so when you feed them the drugs, they all stay together in an even pack that is ready and available when the "boys" are released to find them.

The stims this time, however, seem to be instantly causing weight gain and I feel bloated. But, I did make it to a fertility hiking group last night and that was good. It always helps to feel like you are not alone.

Deja Vu: The Same But Different

2009-06-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

I went back and looked at my post for my Day 3 ultrasound in April. I literally could cut and paste it. I have a very happy right ovary that has 3-4 good sized follicles, but my left was only hosting one at the moment. I didn't get the sizes because I had a resident instead of my normal doctor who was out of the office. And, it was too early in the morning for me to think clearly and get the sizes from her. I think she'll ultimately be a good doctor. She seemed to have an honestly eager spirit about her. And, let's face it, we really need good "eggs" [forgive the pun] for this type of work.

Tonight we'll start up on Follistim 300 again. Though, we have directions to try and milk as much out of it as possible. Last time we got close to 400mg each time.

Right after the ultrasound, I whizzed down to Santa Clara for reproductive massage and acupuncture. I will repeat both next Tuesday, prior to the next ultrasound. The acu believes that the mere fact that I quit my job and I honestly look happy, instead of simply friendly and stressed, bodes well in my favor.

I spent a lot of time today trying to understand from all the professionals, what type of exercise could I continue to do. It seems that Pilates is less than ideal, so I am going to have to shelve that right now. Lots of yoga, walking, some weights and swimming. I am also thinking about joining a support group at Stanford that goes for a weekly hike. I think I have more issues around this whole thing than I have been willing to acknowledge.

Officiallly CD1

2009-06-18T16:44:00.001-07:00

We're off and running again. The clock has started. Our first ultrasound appointment will be Saturday morning. That ultrasound will tell us whether or not this is a good month for a stimulated cycle.

Meanwhile, I am busy starting yoga and Pilates--working on the mind/body principles as well as the artificial means to achieving success. I am also trying to schedule an acu appointment, but Nurture Acu is starting to get busy and harder to schedule at last minute.

Going Off the Track

2009-06-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

This is day two of my official hiatus on the career track. After working intensely for the last twenty years in high tech, I finally had to make the decision to put my health and well-being before my career success. Now I inherently know that life is more important than work, but for someone who has defined a large part of herself on career achievement, this was a tough choice.

I had to wrangle through the feelings of thinking that I have failed. I have failed as a woman because I can't do it all, which is the bill of goods I have been sold since the early commercials that sang "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget your a man." Yet, what we as a society fail to do is encourage people to take time to pursue their dreams. And, unfortunately, most corporations are not set-up to enable folks restorative periods or the flexibility to do both. I have often heard people brag that they never took a two-week vacation---I just think that is sad. There are a few progressive corporations who offer sabbaticals. If I ever own a company, we will have sabbaticals.

Almost everyone at the office wished me well, and often, there was a slight expression of envy. When I went to the doctor today and my blood pressure was the lowest it has been in years [100/70], it was another confirmation that I had made the right decision. This break won't be forever, and I definitely plan to work again but right now I am really focusing on everything I can do to get my health and wellness back into balance. I ate more fruits and vegetables this morning than I had in a week. But, I had time to shop. I had time to prepare them. I had time to sit down and eat them. I did the happy dance.

When I knew that I was going on leave and would some day be looking for a job again, I debated on whether or not to go public with my fertility challenge. Obviously, I decided to go forward, but here were my reasons: 1) If someone wouldn't hire because of all this, then it wouldn't be a supportive environment going forward--not a place I would want to work. 2) As someone with a career in marketing, my ability to embrace new forms of marketing [social media] should be lauded. and 3) If they worried that I would get pregnant and leave them, then they didn't get to know me at all. Someone who is willing to go through all the pain and challenges to pursue a single goal is someone you want on your team.

Enough time on the computer, I am going out to smell the sunshine.

PS It is CD 30 and am waiting for AF.

To Hope or not to Hope

2009-06-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

Even though this technically is a month where I haven't focused on getting pregnant, we still tried. So I find myself on Day 23 still being optimistic that maybe we got lucky this month.

There were some very pointed discussions on one of my chat boards this week. Cruelty being the other face of hope. It doesn't matter how little you have invested in a particular month, there is always the looming disappointment ahead. I don't know how to cushion the blow. I can only take care of myself when the time comes.

Until that time, I will continue to check daily for symptoms and hope.

And, for this week's audio blog http://www.lexy.com/feed/?id=388

Getting Back in the Space

2009-06-03T12:39:00.001-07:00

As you can tell from my lack of writing, I took a couple of weeks off from infertility. Though, my lack of diligence on my health in the last two weeks has resulted in my first cold in over a year. I attribute my good health to better eating, more sleep and acupuncture. None of which I did at the end of May.

Now that we are back from our mini vacations, I am ready to do something about my BMI, which seems to be slightly overweight these days. I start with a personal trainer tomorrow night, along with Pilates. Plus, all the Smores are out of my reach now. Between camping and my sister-in-law's house, the graham cracker/Hershey bar combo has added at least a pound or two to my waistline in the last week.

What's next? Basically we hope like crazy that maybe Clay and I got lucky this month. We certainly gave it our best shot without doing any monitoring. I just have my doubts that we are going to get there without medical intervention. If that doesn't work, we will do another injectables cycle with Stanford. That is scheduled to start roughly around June 18th.

My basic plan this summer is do one month on and one month off the drugs--enabling me to still do many of the things I enjoy doing in the off months.

On the bright side...

2009-05-18T17:08:00.000-07:00

I get to play hockey tonight.

At the weekend camping trip, I can participate in the nightly happy hours that will include Martinis, MaiTais and Manhattans.

I have a month to get myself into super duper summer shape with my new athletic club membership.

The hardest part of a negative test today is finding the good in all of it. I just have to believe there's a reason why this month isn't it.

Time to go walk the dog and appreciate my four-legged kid.

Beta Day

2009-05-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

This day always sucks. There is no other way to put it. No way to sugarcoat it. Maybe it would suck less if I didn't think I knew the answer. I cheated this time. I did the POAS [Pee on a Stick] and there was nothing there to tell me differently.

The odd part is that the acupuncturists really have believed there has been a pregnancy pulse. My worst fear is that there is going to be a low beta again...the almost pregnancy. In some ways, they are positive signs because most of the parts are working, yet there is something that doesn't close the deal.

I started this blog to offer encouragement and be helpful for others, but there are simply some days when you need help yourself. I really have to thank all the gals on my Over 40 board yesterday who were still holding out those last glimmers of hope for me. Tales of positive betas after negative home pregnancy tests {HPT}.

Stay tuned for the results later...I am done venting now.

5 Days to Beta

2009-05-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

I am getting anxious this last week. Having a hard time following my own advice about staying mindful and staying in the present. Even though I am in my final month at work, I still find that I am letting things tweak me out too much.

Deep breath.

I went to the acupuncturist yesterday. She said that my pulse was strong. For those unfamiliar with Chinese Medicine, your health is often gauged by your pulse and your tongue. She told me to remain optimistic and felt good about what she felt was going on. I'd like to believe I am super in tune with my body at this point, but I can't tell you that I am actually feeling anything, except really sore boobs. And, that is most likely from the lovely progesterone supplements. All I have to say is that there is nothing dignified about this process.

My beta is on Monday. Everyone just needs to keep their fingers and toes crossed until then.

Turkey Basting Time

2009-05-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

156 million sperm, 8 Follistim shots, 3 ultrasounds and 1 trigger shot later, we are at the halfway point of this cycle. Today was turkey basting time.

Yesterday I could only hope that all those follicles did what they were supposed to do. When we checked on Thursday, the one on the left was a solid leading 16, and there were four on the right: 14, 12.5, and a couple of tens. You have to have faith that the doctor knows what he is doing, but I was skeptical that four days later, some of these guys are going to be big enough to do anything.

From today's look at things, everybody seemed to be coming to the party. My darling hubby did more than his part, cotributing lots of strong swimmers. It was totally bizarre to watch it on the ultrasound. After the procedure, you literally watch a see of white moving and going where it needs to.

Afterwards, I went to acupuncture and now officially start the two-week waiting period. During this time, I am evidently supposed to eat plenty of chicken and pineapple, and avoid heavy abdominal twisting...no crunches for me--I'll just have to work on the summer time arms.

All in all, I am feeling as optimistic as I can be about our 5% chance of making things happen. We've done what we can for this cycle. I have reduced my stress level and improved my overall frame of mind.

It's in someone else's hands.

To Share With Family and Friends

2009-04-27T16:41:00.001-07:00

Here's my audio blog. Take a listen to hear how you can help those trying to conceive and to hear a word of thanks for your support.

http://www.lexy.com/feed/?id=388

Start Your Engines

2009-04-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

Time to bring out the big guns again. No surprise last month's cycle was a bust--why should it be different from any of the rest? Excluding last Dec's chemical, we have had 16 months of BFN [Big Fat Negative]. Though, this month I didn't seem to plunge into the usual gloom. I think it helps when you know that you have a plan for the next month.

We went for a Day 3 ultrasound today. It seems that my right ovary is happy and ready to party. There were 4 follicles: 10mm, 9mm, 7.5mm, 5mm. The reluctant left had a single 5mm. I was a bit disappointed that there were 3 less follicles than December but I was encouraged that they were robust and the doctor was pleased.

Tonight we'll start up on Follistim 300. The shots begin again. This time we are trying the super duper cartridge pen, so it might be easier than the mixing and the needles.

In addition to the stim drugs, I am keeping up with the acupuncture and massage. I went on Day 2 and will go again on Day 7. I will also be going back for another ultrasound on Day 7. The doctor actually believes I might be triggering sooner than I think if those little follies grow like they are supposed to.

This really is the easiest part of the cycle. You are starting up and you are filled with hope and promise that maybe this time it will work....we can only hope.

You Never Know When It Strikes

2009-04-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned, we are now with a new clinic. They required a two-hour orientation today. I tried to get out of it. I feel like a veteran. What did I need with a two-hour dissertation on injections in the middle of the work day?

We checked in on the third floor. When it was time, the nurse asked us to use the stairs to go down to the second floor. It was on that walk downstairs that I simply wanted to cry. I felt sad for myself and I felt sad for the six other women and their partners who were there. Infertility is such a crappy condition and 80 percent of the population are fortunate enough to never experience it. But, that leaves the other twenty percent of us, navigating a wave of emotions that wash over you when you least expect it.

I still, two hours later, am fighting back the tears. There's no rationale reason for the tears. I should be happy that I have the resources to get help from one of the best medical facilities in the country. Infertility beats women down. It takes some of their life and soul from them. I started this blog to reverse that trend. Providing support and a friendly voice to others in hopes that they will come out on the other side, whole in spirit.

What I did get out of today's orientation is that maybe it is time to join a support group. As much as online support is terrific, there is something to be said for simply being with others who have the same experience and getting a chance to share your emotions. But, it is a tough balance. I don't want my life to be all about infertility and the pursuit of a baby. There is so much more. If we are always waiting for the destination, we aren't enjoying the ride.

Maybe it is time to go outside and appreciate the beauty of a spring day and the promise of greener horizons.

Infertility Overwhelm

2009-04-05T21:18:00.001-07:00

I haven't been writing much, partially due to a much needed vacation [and for more on the need to take a vacation from fertility, listen to my Lexy Quikcast] and also because I have reached one of those moments when the choices in front of me are simply overwhelming.

I went for my third and different RE consultation prior to vacation. I don't know why it is a surprise, but alas there was a different opinion from the other two. To summarize the prior clinics:

Clinic A in San Ramon simply doesn't like patients over 40. They are unwilling to wreck their statistics for success unless you are ready to take the donor egg path. Else, they suggest acupuncture and wish you well.

Clinic B in Daly City was more helpful and felt that there was still a chance, provided a lot of factors were mitigated. By factors, I mean immune issues like blood clotting genes and NK cells. These are highly controversial topics amongst the RE community.

Which leads be to Clinic C in Palo Alto, painting a realistic picture the thought here is that IUI combined with injectables is just as viable as IVF. And, of course, all the immune issues are debunked.

So, what's a girl supposed to think, do...who does she believe? Infertility overwhelm is abundant right now.

Still in the 2WW but not hopeful

2009-03-20T22:11:00.001-07:00

I did it. I did the POAS today [Day 28] and it was a big fat single line. However, at a consult later in the afternoon, the doctor said not to count that as it was too early. Dude--really, why would you give a gal such false hope?

My cycle follows a familiar pattern that usually begins with some spotting on Day 25. That has never happened when I have been successful. Because I am doubtful that this is the month, tonight I sit with pre-vacation toast. Since we are headed to the islands, it must be the fine taste of Oronoco Rum.

The consult with Stanford IVF deserves a long post, but that is going to have to wait until I come back from vacation. Aloha.

7 More Days in the 2WW

2009-03-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

In theory, if we were successful this month, the microscopic [and that is being generous] embryo should be quietly making itself a home right now in the inner caverns. I keep looking for signs but in reality the likelihood of signs is almost zero and none. I try to think back to my other two previous false starts and nothing comes to mind. The only symptom was the missed period. No implantation spotting. No sore boobs.

It was actually going through the IVF process this last time where you are definitely conscious of the changes in your body. It was then that I came to the conclusion that signs, except the one that comes on 'the stick,' are highly unlikely. It actually takes the body three days after implantation to secrete HCG, which is what is detected by the pregnancy tests.

And because I remain the pessimist in this endeavor, I had a MaiTai tonight. A week from today we'll be watching the sunset from Kauai and the 2WW will be over.

Keep Calm During the 2WW

2009-03-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

The first post of the week is actually an audio blog that can be heard here:

http://www.lexy.com/feed/?id=388

Here my thoughts about trying to keep calm during the time of hope, aka the 2WW.

Keeping calm while trying to conceive

2009-03-07T10:53:00.000-08:00

This marks the second day of my new hobby, trying to keep my online friends calm while trying to conceive.

I actually made my debut as a blogger earlier this week on Lexy.

http://www.lexy.com/profile?id=682

Lexy is new and by checking them out now, you will be on the inside track. Lexy lets you listen to "quikcasts", which are bites of news and entertainment to fit your busy life. You can either listen on your PC or better yet on your mobile phone. And, the coolest feature they have added recently is the ability to audio blog and then distribute to your friends.

For those who don't know me, I am 41 and trying to have a baby with my wonderful husband of soon to be two years. I was married before and, unfortunately, experienced infertility the first time because my husband wasn't able to have kids. This time it appears to be all my fault. We miscarried in November 2007 and had a chemical pregnancy as a result of IVF in December 2008. My eggs are just not cooperating.

I'll tell you more as the weeks go on, but for now, if you are experiencing infertility, just know that there is someone online who knows the emotional upheaval that you live with every day.

Just remember today that the sun is shining somewhere.