Color to this week's Conceive blog

On my officially published blog, we refrain from publicizing clinics, etc. Tomorrow or Thursday my next entry will be published. I referred to a couple of things that I wanted to link to here.

The clinic I am considering right now is Oregon Reproductive Medicine. Thanks to Marna at PVED. I am so happy to be talking to Dr. Hesla. He is progressive and open to treating some of the immune issues. Marna also wrote a great comment on the questionable Slate article.

On a personal side, I am really getting close to taking a full-time job and the best part I have a boss who is supportive of this effort! That is worth a million bucks.

The Unexpected Sigh

As far as infertility goes, I have been doing okay. It's always easier when there is a plan on the horizon. Even though we don't have a cycle or a clinic nailed down, I know it is simply a matter of making a couple of decisions.

Yet, the other night while I was out to dinner with my mother, I had that wistful moment. She's had a tough six months with my grandmother falling down and a diminished support network. What I told her, however, is that it doesn't matter how tough things get, you have to keep the faith that it is the path you are supposed to be on. With that, I started to cry and say that is the only reason I can believe I am still childless.

I won't lie. I still don't understand why I have struggled for over a decade to have a baby. But, the only thing that helps me sleep at night is the belief that there is a reason for all this. I have walked this road to learn things about the world and myself that were previously hidden.

Sigh over with... back to believing that there is a happy ending to this journey.

Still struggling

Despite all the good advice of my friend on my post below, I had another no win week at the diet. I did make my goal of five workouts last week. I feel slightly less flabby, but the scale is not my friend.

It didn't help that I had a friend who had a really bad week and that involved some chick flicks, karaoke and wine therapy. How was I to know that in exploring Persian food, I would encounter huge mounds of rice---never before seen in such epic proportions. The excuses continue to be many.

That said, this is a new week. I am flying out for business today and I did something I never did before. I packed my lunch. I have a flat belly approved, MUFA rich lunch. The only thing that can really do me in is that Delta serves those darned Biscoff cookies. A cup of coffee and some cookies, music to my tastebuds.

I wanted to go to the gym this morning, but a longer dog walk won out. I was feeling guilty enough that I was leaving the poor pooch. Zamboni used to have the working parents lifestyle--crated every day and lived for his daily walks. Now he has the work at home lifestyle--couch during the day and plenty of tidbits while I am around.

I just have to keep trying to make the right choices. I packed my gym clothes. Even if I can squeeze in one workout, that will be better than none.

That's my pep talk to my self. Time to go squeeze into the sardine can.

No Flat Belly Here

I posted on my Conceive blog last week that it was time to hit the diet hard. You would think after publicly declaring to thousands of people my intentions, I would actually make some progress.

The first four days of the diet went well and I was strictly following the Jump Start. Then, there was the cooking class I had signed up for two months ago, "Cooking with Cabernet" and then there were the friends over for dinner and then...I just stopped making excuses. Nobody forced me to eat three white chocolate macadamia nut cookies after our hockey game.

Of course, when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was exactly the same weight when I stepped on it last Monday morning. As my friend Nancy would say, "Quel surprise" [It just sounds better in French.]

All I could do today was simply start over and forget about last week's false start. I have walked the dog, went to the gym and ate according to plan. There are no open wine bottles in the house, so I have no excuse but to stick to water tonight.

Why is dieting so hard? When I walked into Starbucks on Saturday, I had every intention of just having a plain cup of coffee, but then they had this new Dark Cherry Chocolate Mocha to try. I do believe that was the moment when my willpower failed me. I wish I hadn't tried it. It was like liquid chocolate covered cherries...now I want another.

I think moderation is hard for me. It is either abstinence or indulgence--nothing in between keeps me on the straight and arrow.

Any tips from successful dieters out there?

Close Call

Or, so I thought. I was late this month. I am never late. Clockwork is how my AF runs. So, on day 32 of what is typically a 30 day cycle, I allowed myself a couple hours of what ifs. I imagined not playing hockey that night and whispering over to my parents that I needed to do some blood work the next day to confirm a positive pregnancy test.

So, I broke down and POAS'd for the first time in a couple months. As I waited for the digital reading, I willed it to show those words, "pregnant". But, the only miracle that was happening on that Sunday was the USA hockey team beating the Canadian hockey team.

And, then wouldn't you know it, two hours later AF showed up. So, my moral of the story...if you want to bring AF on, take an expensive pregnancy test.

Getting Close to Revving It Up Again

It looks like it has been a good month since my last post. I have been doing a lot of inward versus outward reflection as we ponder what our Plan B is. Many of you, I think, read this week's post at Conceive, but if you haven't, I invite you to check it out now. http://conceiveonline.com/no-expiration-date/2010-02-11-share/

I asked many of you to weigh in on how it is to ride the rollercoaster with me through this journey. Your words have been encouraging and reflective, and I greatly appreciate them.

Stay tuned as next week we will be announcing Plan B.

Retreat and then Attack

On tomorrow's Conceive blog, I will talk a bit about the importance of taking time to think at the various crossroads in your fertility journey. What I didn't do in the blog was talk about the retreat itself.

Even though I consider myself progressive in nature, the fact that I get acupuncture probably moves me a step up the "granola" scale and going to a women's retreat was another big leap up the scale. That said, I approach these things with more of a rational mind--for good or bad.

The retreat was led by Carolyn Foster,who you can learn more about her and her various services on her website. I met Carolyn over 20 years ago when I took one of her creative writing classes at West Valley College. What made Carolyn's classes different was that she had you write to gain personal insight. Following her own career transition to a professional coach, I have used her on and off over the last seven years to navigate the complexities of career, marriage and self.

This weekend's retreat was called, "Making Friends with Time: Patience, Silence and Presence". When you weren't in a learning session, you spent your time not speaking with any body while in the retreat center. In fact, all of our meals were in silence, except for some music in the background. That was one of the hardest things for me to get used to. It simply goes against my grain to be quiet during a meal. That and the twin bed....though, my husband commented that was more room than when the dog is in our king bed. I couldn't argue with that.

We had a total of five learning sessions. They were structured like this: First, Carolyn would lecture for about 30 minutes on a topic. Then, she would give you a writing exercise for another 30 minutes. After the exercise, you would break out into small groups and share your writings/thoughts. Some sessions were more interesting than others--just depends on where your thoughts are. My favorite one was on time perspectives, which was based on Philip Zimbardo and John Boyd's work in The Time Paradox. In fact, I am saving an entire blog post to talk about what I learned in that exercise.

She brings a great portion of her library, so you can borrow books that you might never pick up. I read Money by Liz Perle, which talks about women's relationships with money--a very interesting read. Plus, the center also had an art room and hiking trails, so you could do as little or as much in your spare time that you wanted. In fact, Carolyn's policy about the retreat is that you don't have show up to anything if you don't want to. She just wants to provide the space and haven for women to have some restoration time.

Now, you could argue that you could have just as much renewal going to the spa for the day, but I can guarantee that will be short-lived. When we spend some time to open our minds and expand our thoughts, we change the way we live--even if it is in the most subtlest of ways.

I detailed out the retreat a bit because I asked a few girlfriends to go with me and I think everyone was pretty hesitant about it. The one friend who was brave enough to sign up, came down with pneumonia and had to cancel. I realize this isn't for everybody, but I do think that you might be surprised at how good it can be.