Showing the Four Generations

In my Conceive blog this week, I talked about the 4 generation photo. I finally got a chance to scan it in. Love that hairdo and the styling leather jacket. This was also a time when my hair wasn't red yet.

If you didn't read the blog, you can check it out here http://conceiveonline.com/no-expiration-date/

Does Jetlag Change Your Cycle?

So, I don't know if it is day 16 or 17...seriously, if you take a long distance flight and you re-live another 12 hours, what happens to your cycle?

There were no POAS moments in Germany, so I can only guess whether or not I ovulated. The CM looked beautiful, so maybe that Bavarian water was good for me! We certainly optimized our chances, if you know what I mean... There just might have been a little tipsy post-Oktoberfest activities.

I did turn 42 while in Germany, so I am officially on the down hill slope of the infertility clinics. I just wish my eggs felt as young as I do. A few more birthday celebrations now that I am home, then I am going to focus on getting ready for the next IVF cycle with a lot of diet, exercise and acupuncture.

28 days....

Almost unheard of for me to be at 28 days, but today is officially CD 1 of my last unmedicated cycle. I didn't get acupuncture this month. I can tell the difference. Everything isn't "flowing" as well as it normally does. The cramps are greater, but I do think the diet has stemmed of some of the emotional PMS as well as the bloating.

Bummer....

CD 28...the end is near

Gads...I hate this part of the cycle. I know my period is coming because the spotting came as expected, but still I hope that maybe it is a false sign. In the end you just want AF to come, so you can start a new month and a new cycle of hope.

I've added my new Conceive Online blog link. I am very excited to a be a part of that community. Writing is a passion of mine that I am trying to reignite, and I'm excited for the support.

Last night we attended a Family Building Options seminar at Stanford. It was a moving evening as people shared their stories. I will write more as I process the night. I honestly don't know where we will go if this next cycle doesn't work.

Home Stretch of the 2WW

We are on CD 25. If everything goes as it usually does, the spotting will start tonight or tomorrow. Then, we'll have our first indication that this month is just like any other. Until then, I am still in the hopeful phase. I dreamed last night about scheduling a 6 week ultra/sound. I very rarely dream about pregnancy. The last time I did was when we had our chemical with the IVF. However, there are no early symptoms, so my guess is that I'll be going to Oktoberfest with an empty mug--ready to be filled with delicious German beer.

Starting this week I will also have a regular blog on ConceiveOnline as their Over 40 blogger. As soon as it is up, I will post. I am not entirely sure yet about how the two blogs will interact with each other. My intention is still to make this one the more detailed cycle posting for friends and family.

Speaking of cycles, we decided to stick with our current clinic and as soon as we are back from vacation will start on the priming for a retrieval and transfer in November.

Hope is Refusal

This weekend I attended the memorial service of a very dear friend of mine. She was a woman who lived her life fully--even more than I knew prior to the service. Prior to the cancer, she battled infertility. She suffered through six miscarriages andwas about to start third party reproductive treatments when they found the cancer. With the cancer, it was never clear what the future looked like, so she opted to remain child-free.

What I found out at the service was that C was one of the key folks in leading the children's Sunday school. When speaking about it at the memorial service, the point was made that even though C was no longer with us, there were seeds of her in all the children she touched. Choosing to be child-free doesn't mean that you can't influence the future and have a legacy. In fact, it actually opens the door to potentially influencing more than one individual.

That said, we're still not ready to make that call yet. I am not a particularly religious person, but there was a line from Sunday's service that really struck me.

Hope is the refusal to accept the reading of reality which is
the majority opinion.-Walter Brueggemann

That line is truly the tagline for anyone over 40 who is on this quest. There are a lot of folks who will tell you it can't happen, but there are still a few out there who believe. I still believe.

Even in C's last battles this summer with cancer, she still understood my battles with infertility. She was the first to reach out when it was public knowledge that a good friend of ours was pregnant. She knew that even though I was happy that my just-turned 40 friend was pregnant, it was still tough news to swallow.

The best I can do to honor her is to continue my fight against infertility with the same grace and resilience she showed her whole life.

Please Ask for Help with Infertility Stress

I don't normally post my written audio blog, but I have excerpted my current audio blog because I think the topic is so important.

Yesterday there was an anonymous posting on an infertility board of which I participate on. My interpretation and the interpretation of twenty-two other women was that the writer had left her suicide note for all of us to read. The despair that had plagued her was tremendous. She lost a pregnancy at 16 weeks, was financially bankrupt and, clearly, emotionally spent. I am just an armchair psychologist at this point, but my guess is that she suffered from a post-partum depression that could have been magnified when she started to use fertility medications again.

Because she posted anonymously, we had no way to reach out to her except through posting. We posted the suicide prevention hotline number, we shared our stories, we begged her to just call somebody. It is the rare woman suffering from infertility who doesn’t have some dark days. As found on renowned mind-body expert, Alice Domar’s website, research has shown that the stress associated with fertility treatment can be at a level comparable to the stress associated with serious illness. Patients who seek emotional support early in treatment are often better prepared for their experiences and find it significantly less stressful than patients who do not.

If you are emotionally struggling with infertility, please seek out help. There are so many of us out here trying to help each other, sometimes in person, but most of the time virtually through chat groups, emails and twitter. You can even take an infertility stress test http://www.domarcenter.com/fertility/stress_test.html

I don’t know the ending to the story. We have all waited breathlessly today for anonymous to post again and tell us that she called for help. We haven’t heard a thing. We can only hope that she is with someone who is helping her as I speak.

If you or somebody you know is depressed because of infertility, please reach out to someone. Infertility may feel like the end of the world, but there is still so much more.