Time to bring out the big guns again. No surprise last month's cycle was a bust--why should it be different from any of the rest? Excluding last Dec's chemical, we have had 16 months of BFN [Big Fat Negative]. Though, this month I didn't seem to plunge into the usual gloom. I think it helps when you know that you have a plan for the next month.
We went for a Day 3 ultrasound today. It seems that my right ovary is happy and ready to party. There were 4 follicles: 10mm, 9mm, 7.5mm, 5mm. The reluctant left had a single 5mm. I was a bit disappointed that there were 3 less follicles than December but I was encouraged that they were robust and the doctor was pleased.
Tonight we'll start up on Follistim 300. The shots begin again. This time we are trying the super duper cartridge pen, so it might be easier than the mixing and the needles.
In addition to the stim drugs, I am keeping up with the acupuncture and massage. I went on Day 2 and will go again on Day 7. I will also be going back for another ultrasound on Day 7. The doctor actually believes I might be triggering sooner than I think if those little follies grow like they are supposed to.
This really is the easiest part of the cycle. You are starting up and you are filled with hope and promise that maybe this time it will work....we can only hope.
As previously mentioned, we are now with a new clinic. They required a two-hour orientation today. I tried to get out of it. I feel like a veteran. What did I need with a two-hour dissertation on injections in the middle of the work day?
We checked in on the third floor. When it was time, the nurse asked us to use the stairs to go down to the second floor. It was on that walk downstairs that I simply wanted to cry. I felt sad for myself and I felt sad for the six other women and their partners who were there. Infertility is such a crappy condition and 80 percent of the population are fortunate enough to never experience it. But, that leaves the other twenty percent of us, navigating a wave of emotions that wash over you when you least expect it.
I still, two hours later, am fighting back the tears. There's no rationale reason for the tears. I should be happy that I have the resources to get help from one of the best medical facilities in the country. Infertility beats women down. It takes some of their life and soul from them. I started this blog to reverse that trend. Providing support and a friendly voice to others in hopes that they will come out on the other side, whole in spirit.
What I did get out of today's orientation is that maybe it is time to join a support group. As much as online support is terrific, there is something to be said for simply being with others who have the same experience and getting a chance to share your emotions. But, it is a tough balance. I don't want my life to be all about infertility and the pursuit of a baby. There is so much more. If we are always waiting for the destination, we aren't enjoying the ride.
Maybe it is time to go outside and appreciate the beauty of a spring day and the promise of greener horizons.
I haven't been writing much, partially due to a much needed vacation [and for more on the need to take a vacation from fertility, listen to my Lexy Quikcast] and also because I have reached one of those moments when the choices in front of me are simply overwhelming.
I went for my third and different RE consultation prior to vacation. I don't know why it is a surprise, but alas there was a different opinion from the other two. To summarize the prior clinics:
Clinic A in San Ramon simply doesn't like patients over 40. They are unwilling to wreck their statistics for success unless you are ready to take the donor egg path. Else, they suggest acupuncture and wish you well.
Clinic B in Daly City was more helpful and felt that there was still a chance, provided a lot of factors were mitigated. By factors, I mean immune issues like blood clotting genes and NK cells. These are highly controversial topics amongst the RE community.
Which leads be to Clinic C in Palo Alto, painting a realistic picture the thought here is that IUI combined with injectables is just as viable as IVF. And, of course, all the immune issues are debunked.
So, what's a girl supposed to think, do...who does she believe? Infertility overwhelm is abundant right now.