Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Couldn't Resist the Sticks

I couldn't quite leave this cycle entirely alone. I decided to do the OPKs this month to see where my cycle is after all the hormones last month. But, I am so confused. I am really not clear what day of the cycle I am on. Those first couple of days were so fuzzy and not clear. The surge happened sometime between yesterday am and today am. But, I just don't know if today is CD15 or CD16, according to my previous should be CD16, but that really is a late surge.

I can understand why my TCM folks say to forget the kits, they just make you more confused. All I know is that there has been plenty of BD this week, so we can only hope that my grandma's bd [today] is a lucky day. Hopefully, she is somewhere upstairs putting in a good word with the universe for me.

DH and I are headed off for a mini-vacation, which will have no discussion of IF. Time to simply go enjoy and be married.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What Day Is It?

You can always tell when it is one of those in between cycles. I can't tell you what cycle day it is. I have to sit down with a calendar and really think about it. Last week was a bit of a blur. The let down after the medicated cycles is always greater than a natural cycle. It makes sense. You believe you have done all you can to optimize your chances and still nothing to show for it.

I felt horrible for a good friend of mine. She picked last week to call and tell me she was 4 1/2 months pregnant, which for a 40 year old is fantastic news. She's made it through all the hard hurdles. I was happy as I could be for her--but still playing in the back of my mind is why is it so easy for most people. Yet, for a chosen few, it is a tremendous struggle.

I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. I am a little late to the boat in reading it, I will admit. However, I believe that timing is essential in this universe. I needed to be in the right space to hear the messages in the book. I am not ready to run to an Ashram, but it got me thinking about how much I need to carve some time out to just have some mind space around this whole topic. As I could start to feel the low wave of depression starting to creep in, I decided to stop it this time. Instead, I picked up Alice Domar's Conquering Infertility and started doing some of the mind/body relaxation techniques. Plus, I put a call into my therapist from my previous bout of infertility a decade ago. I am sure that if I ever decide to run for office in the future, someone will find this blog and misconstrue my words. But, I believe we should be in a world where we are not afraid to admit that sometimes we need some help thinking things out.

And, that's where I am at....on cycle day 9.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Waiting for the Call

The call is going to come any moment now. It will tell me what I already know. Another cycle, another $5k that ended in nothing. I have already cried today. It started early this morning when the spotting and the cramps started to make their appearance.

I have promised that this time I will avoid the self-destructive behavior...just one martini, not three tonight! In fact, I am more interested in actually getting back to heavy duty workouts. After spending a day on closet organization this week and having to send to many items to either storage or donation because they are too tight, I am ready to get my pre-infertility shape back again. As much as I believe some the Chinese medicine theories about not overtaxing the body, I am ready to run again. I need the outlet of exertion as well as control. Control over something...because let me tell you, I feel like I have no control over infertility. Even though, in some way, I do. I can choose how many treatments or procedures we go through.

The choice I am making for the next couple of months is to step away for the assisted cycles. Go back to the old-fashioned way. When we get back from vacation, later this summer I plan to have a next step. It is not clear to me right now what that next step will be.

The call finally's officially a BFN cycle.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

3 More Days

of waiting, but the gloom is already starting to set in. I have officially joined the club of compulsive POAS folks. Today I am 12 dpo [days past ovulation] and there isn't any sign of something positive to come. In fact, my boobs, which had been rather sore, have started to return to normal. So I am preparing myself for the usual outcome on Tuesday.

My big dilemma will be what to do next if it is negative. I hadn't planned to cycle right afterwards, but with a vacation planned in September, if we don't do next month. We will then up taking a three-month break. And, of course, a three-month break that leads right into my 42nd birthday, which is not a good birthday in the infertility medical field. Can you hear the heavy sigh?

There's not much I can do. I have a friend here from college, so the best thing I can do is just enjoy her company and know what will be will be.