Infertility Never Leaves You

Nothing like the start of National Infertility Awareness week to get you started blogging again.  It took more than that actually…. it took an interaction with a stranger in the most unlikely of places.

We had a garage sale today.   Hadn’t really planned on it, but our neighborhood was having one and I had stacks of things to go various places:  the used bookstore, Goodwill, the music store.  

I ended up putting the books out for the garage sale.   In an effort to encourage people to buy more, you could pay a dollar for one—or get five for two dollars.  What a deal.   I hadn’t really expected anyone to buy them, but all my favorite infertility titles were out there:  The Infertility Cure, Taking Charge of Your Fertility,  and even a children’s book I had from my initial bout of infertility with my first husband.

There was a man browsing the titles and I saw him pick them up.  He looked through all the books, I think trying to find a fifth title.  He didn’t find one, so he asked if he could have all of them for two dollars.    I looked at him and simply said take them.  I wish you luck and hope.  And, then I cried.  [And I’m still crying as I write this.]

Even though we are one of the fortunate ones to have had the means to an end, I am still so sad that one in eight people have to suffer through this nightmare.   Most people would be surprised to know that someone in their family or close circle of friends has been suffering.  Often because of shame or guilt, the topic is never discussed.   

Wondering what you can do?   Here are a couple of suggestions:

• Don’t ask married couples when they are planning to have kids.   Most will mention it when they are ready and need some encouragement for that next step.  
• If you are in a position to decide on company medical benefits, have compassion and cover infertility treatments.   The cost of treatment or adoption is astronomical.  Couples usually find themselves in debt or without savings by the end of the journey.   Treatment is often postponed, which never helps in age-related infertility.

I know that when many of us cross over to the family side, our infertility warriors who are still fighting can feel left behind.  Just trust us when we say that we never forget the pain, it often surfaces at the most unlikely of times.  

Keep the hope. 

Mr. F just weeks away from his 2nd birthday.

The Reflection of Joy

It hasn't been the easiest year:  a pregnancy that became complicated, a fussy baby for many weeks and then unemployment.   All of this, of course, layered with sleep deprivation and hormones.   Yet, when I look at the picture below, I can't see a single sign of any of it.   All I see is a happy baby and a woman filled with joy.

It's taken nearly six months, but I have finally started to embrace motherhood.  For some women it is quite easy to give birth and take on the role.   I don't know if it was my personality or my age--or maybe both that prevented me from having that initial "this is the best thing ever moment".   Because of the infertility, we spent a lot of time and money to get the little guy.  Yet, in those first few weeks, all I could think was "what had I done".  I had turned a perfectly good life upside down for a screaming baby and being trapped 24 x7.

It's possible that I had some postpartum issues, but I didn't want to turn to medication.  I am very thankful for a friend, who had suffered from it, who called me regularly to make sure that I had an outlet to vent and feel safe talking about what I was thinking.  She came to visit for a weekend, and I know she gave the husband some advice on making sure that I had plenty of time to get away when he wasn't working.

He's also the husband that made sure I went last week to the BlogHer Writer's Conference in New York City.   It was nice to get away, but what I felt good about was that I wasn't escaping from my life.  Instead, I was simply trying to enhance it--and every time I saw a baby I couldn't wait to get home to mine.   Then, tonight as I was telling F's favorite bedtime story,  I was simply overcome with emotion and gratitude.  Looking at that picture I finally saw what my heart had been telling me.  I'm am F's mom and nothing is ever going to change that--this is the life I have dreamed of.

I  had some clarity about where I wanted to take this blog at the writer's conference.  I spoke to some fabulous women who encouraged me to keep writing about motherhood after infertility.  It has its own special challenges ranging from guilt to disclosure issues.  I promise to still occasionally post about Mr. F, but if you want to keep up to date on the little guy, feel free to friend me on Facebook where the family updates will be more regular.
 
I also want to give credit to the photographer at Santana Row, Deborah Nagai.  She did a great job in a high volume time getting the right moment--a moment I will cherish for a long time.

Coming Soon

In theory, this is my last day being pregnant-- 39 weeks and 2 days. Given some of the complications of this pregnancy, we are opting to induce tomorrow. It wasn't an easy decision as my preference would have been to let nature take its course and a May baby sounded great.

Instead, in the middle of the royal hubbub tomorrow, we'll be at the hospital hoping for a labor that comes easily and being able to avoid a c-section. I wish I was able to at this point write the heartfelt letter I'd like to about this journey, but that's going to have to wait until I have my full vision back.

My last paragraph is really a tribute to all the gals [and guys] I know who are still struggling to complete their journeys--whether they are still trying to conceive, waiting for adoption or making the decision to be childfree. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is not a glamorous disease--it's not life threatening, so it is hard to raise support and money for it. It is, however, life debilitating-- lots of tears, depression and general malaise. Often, there are very painful losses involved. If you know someone who is struggling, lend them some support or direct them to www.resolve.org. I can't say enough about how wonderful the online community is about helping each other make it through this tough time.

Thank you all for sharing this journey with me and for following my story. We couldn't have done it without you.

The Feeling of Happiness

Upfront I am going to warn my infertile friends who are still trying and in midst of their own pain that they may want to skip this one, but I hope they keep reading.

As I drove this morning to pick up breakfast and the sun was shining for the first time in days, I was smiling to myself. I have to say that feeling happy is not an unusual occurrence these days. Yet, I think back to last couple of years and those moments were not as frequent. When trying to have a child becomes a full-time battle, the emotional output simply bankrupts you.

Having gone through the fight to have a child twice, I have seen many dark times. I am fairly certain that the first time I was clinically depressed--and undiagnosed. The second time has been easier in the sense that I at least felt I wasn't alone in the battle and had a loving partner who was sharing the struggle with me.

On one hand I am grateful for the strength that infertility has given us as a couple. Instead of having a child just after our first year of marriage, we have had four years to build our foundation. Little #3 is going to be coming into a home filled with two parents who are confident in their love and ability to work through trials and tribulations.

What I can't take back from these last four years is all the angst and unrest over trying to have a child. I wish I had lightened up and just enjoyed our time together more--and stopped worrying about what was next. It is what it is. And yet, it only makes me appreciate so much more the sweetness of this time. I am so thankful for our persistence in having a child. I wouldn't trade away a minute of this pregnancy--to feel that little guy kicking away in my belly is priceless.

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to breathe easy until this little guy is delivered to the world, but that is not going to stop me from enjoying these moments of happiness. They've been a long time in coming.

A Year of Miracles

I still owe a post on my most recent scan, but as a long time San Francisco Giants fan we interrupt this blog for a celebration!

I have been a Giants fan for 43 years [well, maybe consciously for 38 years], never to experience the thrill of a World Series Victory. Tonight I had tears in my eyes as I saw the dreams fulfilled for millions of fans. The greatest thing about this accomplishment was that it was a team effort. No superstars, just a bunch of guys who didn't stop believing in themselves--even though the experts predicted a victory for the other team.

I know that #3 is doing a high five right now inside because "he" more than anyone can appreciate what a team effort can lead to. I am pregnant right now because there was a team of folks who believed that with a little science and a little luck I could be on the path to motherhood. Getting here has been filled with wins and losses, but the victory sometimes is sweeter when it is hard fought and unexpected.

Today's post is dedicated to all those who are batting against infertility. In those immortal words of Journey, "Don't Stop Believing."

And, thank you, San Francisco Giants. Enjoy your miracle.



Grandpa to Be, Me and #3 at Game 1 of the 2010 World Series against the Texas Rangers

Hang on for the Ride

A couple of months ago I asked folks if they wanted me to keep posting and hear all the details of our conception process. They said keep doing it, and I did. Though, most of it has been on the No Expiration Date blog.

I am keeping my promise and I am sharing along the way. Last week the first part of our dream came true. Not only did I see two lines on a home pregnancy test, we saw the words "pregnant" on the digital test [so much better than the alternative 'not pregnant']. But, it isn't official until the doctor says so.

I went in for two blood tests. The first came back at 332, and the second came back at 716. What the doctor is looking for with the two tests is that the body is working and that the number doubles within 48-72 hours. The number represents how much HCG your body is producing.

The one thing I promised myself if I got pregnant was that I was going to enjoy it. I wasn't going to make myself crazy with worry. So, we've let ourselves savor the moment and now we want to share it with you, but we have a couple of conditions. First, you can be excited for us but don't show it too much yet [no cards until the second trimester]. Two, just keep up all the wonderful thoughts you've had for us in the last couple of months--I swear it really has helped us get this far.

In return, we are going to keep you posted as things happen. What this means is that you could end up sharing our joy, or hopefully not, our disappointment if things don't work out. Our next big step is an ultrasound on Sept. 13th. It is at that appointment they will look for the heartbeat.

However, I am cautiously optimistic. I ordered a pregnancy book and I am already rolling names through my head.

Finally, I had the opportunity earlier this month to tell my story at BlogHer with Yahoo Shine. It wasn't intentional but infertility has helped me reinvent myself. You can watch the interview here. The one thing I have to continue to hold true is that I am living the life I am supposed to be living.

Interesting Article

Not sure how I missed this one earlier this year in the New York Times. This gal talks about life without children and the complex place it is.

We are not here yet, but I wanted to have this as a resource article.

It is a new year and we are moving very slowly back on the conception trail. We have a lot of thinking and planning before any real action is going to happen.

Please Ask for Help with Infertility Stress

I don't normally post my written audio blog, but I have excerpted my current audio blog because I think the topic is so important.

Yesterday there was an anonymous posting on an infertility board of which I participate on. My interpretation and the interpretation of twenty-two other women was that the writer had left her suicide note for all of us to read. The despair that had plagued her was tremendous. She lost a pregnancy at 16 weeks, was financially bankrupt and, clearly, emotionally spent. I am just an armchair psychologist at this point, but my guess is that she suffered from a post-partum depression that could have been magnified when she started to use fertility medications again.

Because she posted anonymously, we had no way to reach out to her except through posting. We posted the suicide prevention hotline number, we shared our stories, we begged her to just call somebody. It is the rare woman suffering from infertility who doesn’t have some dark days. As found on renowned mind-body expert, Alice Domar’s website, research has shown that the stress associated with fertility treatment can be at a level comparable to the stress associated with serious illness. Patients who seek emotional support early in treatment are often better prepared for their experiences and find it significantly less stressful than patients who do not.

If you are emotionally struggling with infertility, please seek out help. There are so many of us out here trying to help each other, sometimes in person, but most of the time virtually through chat groups, emails and twitter. You can even take an infertility stress test http://www.domarcenter.com/fertility/stress_test.html

I don’t know the ending to the story. We have all waited breathlessly today for anonymous to post again and tell us that she called for help. We haven’t heard a thing. We can only hope that she is with someone who is helping her as I speak.

If you or somebody you know is depressed because of infertility, please reach out to someone. Infertility may feel like the end of the world, but there is still so much more.

Going Off the Track

This is day two of my official hiatus on the career track. After working intensely for the last twenty years in high tech, I finally had to make the decision to put my health and well-being before my career success. Now I inherently know that life is more important than work, but for someone who has defined a large part of herself on career achievement, this was a tough choice.

I had to wrangle through the feelings of thinking that I have failed. I have failed as a woman because I can't do it all, which is the bill of goods I have been sold since the early commercials that sang "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget your a man." Yet, what we as a society fail to do is encourage people to take time to pursue their dreams. And, unfortunately, most corporations are not set-up to enable folks restorative periods or the flexibility to do both. I have often heard people brag that they never took a two-week vacation---I just think that is sad. There are a few progressive corporations who offer sabbaticals. If I ever own a company, we will have sabbaticals.

Almost everyone at the office wished me well, and often, there was a slight expression of envy. When I went to the doctor today and my blood pressure was the lowest it has been in years [100/70], it was another confirmation that I had made the right decision. This break won't be forever, and I definitely plan to work again but right now I am really focusing on everything I can do to get my health and wellness back into balance. I ate more fruits and vegetables this morning than I had in a week. But, I had time to shop. I had time to prepare them. I had time to sit down and eat them. I did the happy dance.

When I knew that I was going on leave and would some day be looking for a job again, I debated on whether or not to go public with my fertility challenge. Obviously, I decided to go forward, but here were my reasons: 1) If someone wouldn't hire because of all this, then it wouldn't be a supportive environment going forward--not a place I would want to work. 2) As someone with a career in marketing, my ability to embrace new forms of marketing [social media] should be lauded. and 3) If they worried that I would get pregnant and leave them, then they didn't get to know me at all. Someone who is willing to go through all the pain and challenges to pursue a single goal is someone you want on your team.

Enough time on the computer, I am going out to smell the sunshine.


PS It is CD 30 and am waiting for AF.

Getting Back in the Space

As you can tell from my lack of writing, I took a couple of weeks off from infertility. Though, my lack of diligence on my health in the last two weeks has resulted in my first cold in over a year. I attribute my good health to better eating, more sleep and acupuncture. None of which I did at the end of May.

Now that we are back from our mini vacations, I am ready to do something about my BMI, which seems to be slightly overweight these days. I start with a personal trainer tomorrow night, along with Pilates. Plus, all the Smores are out of my reach now. Between camping and my sister-in-law's house, the graham cracker/Hershey bar combo has added at least a pound or two to my waistline in the last week.

What's next? Basically we hope like crazy that maybe Clay and I got lucky this month. We certainly gave it our best shot without doing any monitoring. I just have my doubts that we are going to get there without medical intervention. If that doesn't work, we will do another injectables cycle with Stanford. That is scheduled to start roughly around June 18th.

My basic plan this summer is do one month on and one month off the drugs--enabling me to still do many of the things I enjoy doing in the off months.

Turkey Basting Time

156 million sperm, 8 Follistim shots, 3 ultrasounds and 1 trigger shot later, we are at the halfway point of this cycle. Today was turkey basting time.

Yesterday I could only hope that all those follicles did what they were supposed to do. When we checked on Thursday, the one on the left was a solid leading 16, and there were four on the right: 14, 12.5, and a couple of tens. You have to have faith that the doctor knows what he is doing, but I was skeptical that four days later, some of these guys are going to be big enough to do anything.

From today's look at things, everybody seemed to be coming to the party. My darling hubby did more than his part, cotributing lots of strong swimmers. It was totally bizarre to watch it on the ultrasound. After the procedure, you literally watch a see of white moving and going where it needs to.

Afterwards, I went to acupuncture and now officially start the two-week waiting period. During this time, I am evidently supposed to eat plenty of chicken and pineapple, and avoid heavy abdominal twisting...no crunches for me--I'll just have to work on the summer time arms.

All in all, I am feeling as optimistic as I can be about our 5% chance of making things happen. We've done what we can for this cycle. I have reduced my stress level and improved my overall frame of mind.

It's in someone else's hands.

To Share With Family and Friends

Here's my audio blog. Take a listen to hear how you can help those trying to conceive and to hear a word of thanks for your support.

http://www.lexy.com/feed/?id=388

You Never Know When It Strikes

As previously mentioned, we are now with a new clinic. They required a two-hour orientation today. I tried to get out of it. I feel like a veteran. What did I need with a two-hour dissertation on injections in the middle of the work day?


We checked in on the third floor. When it was time, the nurse asked us to use the stairs to go down to the second floor. It was on that walk downstairs that I simply wanted to cry. I felt sad for myself and I felt sad for the six other women and their partners who were there. Infertility is such a crappy condition and 80 percent of the population are fortunate enough to never experience it. But, that leaves the other twenty percent of us, navigating a wave of emotions that wash over you when you least expect it.

I still, two hours later, am fighting back the tears. There's no rationale reason for the tears. I should be happy that I have the resources to get help from one of the best medical facilities in the country. Infertility beats women down. It takes some of their life and soul from them. I started this blog to reverse that trend. Providing support and a friendly voice to others in hopes that they will come out on the other side, whole in spirit.

What I did get out of today's orientation is that maybe it is time to join a support group. As much as online support is terrific, there is something to be said for simply being with others who have the same experience and getting a chance to share your emotions. But, it is a tough balance. I don't want my life to be all about infertility and the pursuit of a baby. There is so much more. If we are always waiting for the destination, we aren't enjoying the ride.

Maybe it is time to go outside and appreciate the beauty of a spring day and the promise of greener horizons.

Keep Calm During the 2WW

The first post of the week is actually an audio blog that can be heard here:

http://www.lexy.com/feed/?id=388

Here my thoughts about trying to keep calm during the time of hope, aka the 2WW.

Keeping calm while trying to conceive

This marks the second day of my new hobby, trying to keep my online friends calm while trying to conceive.

I actually made my debut as a blogger earlier this week on Lexy.

http://www.lexy.com/profile?id=682

Lexy is new and by checking them out now, you will be on the inside track. Lexy lets you listen to "quikcasts", which are bites of news and entertainment to fit your busy life. You can either listen on your PC or better yet on your mobile phone. And, the coolest feature they have added recently is the ability to audio blog and then distribute to your friends.

For those who don't know me, I am 41 and trying to have a baby with my wonderful husband of soon to be two years. I was married before and, unfortunately, experienced infertility the first time because my husband wasn't able to have kids. This time it appears to be all my fault. We miscarried in November 2007 and had a chemical pregnancy as a result of IVF in December 2008. My eggs are just not cooperating.

I'll tell you more as the weeks go on, but for now, if you are experiencing infertility, just know that there is someone online who knows the emotional upheaval that you live with every day.

Just remember today that the sun is shining somewhere.