What Time Is It?

Yesterday there was a great blog in the Huffington Post about "Don't Carpe Diem".  The short version of this blog is that this mom is tired of people telling her to enjoy every moment of motherhood because let's face it--it's hard work.   But, her main point reviews the two types of time: Chronos and Kairos time.  Chronos being the every day moments, including all the muck, and Kairos being the gems that you cherish.

It is this duality of time that is at the heart of the working mom's dilemma.   For the last few months I have been in an interesting position.   I expected to go back to work full time when Franklin was four months old.   Due to the progressive thinking of my old company, they thought it would be better to eliminate my job so I could spend more time with my child.  

Once I took a deep breath and stopped panicking about our financial free fall, I tried to enjoy the fact that I had "a fussy-free, sleeping through the night" baby who just wanted to spend time having fun.   However, since we live in Silicon Valley, not getting a new job wasn't an option.  We are not set-up to be a single income family.   But, if I am honest, it is not all about the money.

Today was a great day.  I woke up, enjoyed morning time with my little guy, then I dressed in grown-up clothes.  I slid into my pre-pregnancy pencil skirt, curled my hair and put make up on.   I was meeting with a new client who had flown up for the day to meet with a customer.   It felt so good to slip back into my old life, where my mental challenge of the day wasn't remembering the lyrics to 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'.   It was a Kairos moment for me--a moment to come back to myself.

Don't get me wrong.  There was still a lot of craziness to the day.  I was twenty minutes late to the meeting because I had forgotten what a commute was like.  I rushed back to my house after the meeting to work on materials for another job and pick up Franklin to take him to the afternoon meeting.   I am in a unique position in that I had a lot of people cheering me on for this baby, so it is great when former colleagues want to meet him and I can take him with.  I then to took F to his grandparents, so I could work some more but realized that I left the computer at home.

Yet, despite all of that, I had one of those clear defining moments of what I want my life to be.

I had been wrestling with the idea that staying home might be the best thing for Franklin and I should find a way to make it work.  But it isn't the best thing for Franklin because it isn't what will make me happy.  I'll admit that I can't deal with the muck day in and day out.  I applaud the moms out there that can [and I was raised my one who could], but it's not for me.  What is important to me, however, is to find the job the will allow me to still have many Kairos moments--it may be scaling up my consulting business, or it may be that my current part-time gig will become full-time.  Now, you are saying how could a full-time job give you the flexibility to still have those special moments?

See my part-time gig is a VP of Marketing role for a forward-thinking company who is focused on financial planning and investing for young families.  As the person responsible for fostering the company and brand culture, you can bet that we will have policies that allow for attending pre-school holiday parties, soccer practices and school field trips.   Participating in your family life will be required not optional.  

Meanwhile I am going to enjoy these  early days as much as I can.  I've had five more months in Franklin's every day life than I expected.  And, each night when I kiss him good night, I am very thankful for Kairos.

I Believe

The month slipped by in a blink of an eye.   Even though Franklin will never remember this Christmas, his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles will.   He did awesome with his first Santa photo--it may be the only one he ever smiles for, but that's okay as I know that photo sent a lot of joy across the land.

I bought a $6 dollar shirt at Target this season in my favorite color, purple, and on the front in rhinestones, it said, "Believe."   Nothing has been more true for me over the last couple years.   I have to admit that I often had trouble keeping the faith that it would all work out, but Clay has been unwavering in his belief that we would someday be parents.  That is what often makes a good partnership--the ability to stabilize the boat for each other during turbulent times.   Even though the first year of parenting is filled with joyful moments, there are also moments of stress, insecurity and frustration.   It has become clear to both of us that when the waters are rocky, we truly need to find our way back to center.   When the two of us are in synch, it is much easier to ride the waves.


Franklin turned 8 months old yesterday.  As far as 2011 is concerned, we spent more time with Franklin as part of our life than we did without him.   Most days are a blast as we seem to have a talkative extrovert on our hands [can't imagine where he gets that from].  Our routine only gets disrupted when Franklin gets a cold, which seems to be every three weeks right now.    What we are hoping for 2012 is that Mom and Dad build up some immunity and not get sick every time the little guy does.

8 Months--Catching the Doggie

 

 

 

 

 

This coming year is going to be an interesting one as I navigate the waters as a working mom. Again, as painful as getting laid off while on maternity leave was, I am grateful for the things I learned about myself  during the last four months.  I have held on to the belief that I would end up in the right place at the right time--and, ultimately, the best choice for the family.   Because that's the difference between this year and last, my choices used to be about what was right for me.  Now it's about what is right for all of us.   It's a new trick for an old dog to learn.

Tell Me Another Dad, That's Funny!

I wish for all of you during 2012 is a peaceful and healthy year.  Be kind to each other and cherish each day. Thanks for following along.

Finally a November with a Happy Ending

"Thankful V finally had a happy November."   Posted on my husband's Facebook wall.  I had been writing a gratitude status every day, but I forgot the last day.   Yet, he knew exactly what to write.

November had come to be my least favorite month.   In 1998 I discovered my first husband wasn't able to have kids.  In 2001 I decided I couldn't be married to him in any more.  In 2003 I had my first horrible post-divorce break up.  In 2007 I had my first miscarriage.   In 2008 a failed IVF.     All of these events occurred in November.

In fact I had started to dislike Thanksgiving and anything to do with it.  Last year started the turnaround, however, for my coming to terms with the month of November.   I held my breath for the entire month of November, hoping that my pregnancy would hold and that the next November would truly be different.

Guess what?  It was.   Throughout this journey I have always tried to hold on to the belief that we travel the path we are supposed to.   It may not always be a direct route but ultimately you'll be exactly where you are supposed to be.   Without the breakups and the miscarriages of the past, there would be no Franklin.

This Thanksgiving was everything I wanted it to be.  It wouldn't have mattered if the turkey had burned or the dog ate the pumpkin pie--all that mattered was who was sitting at the table.   I am so very thankful for the science and magic that brought Franklin into this world.   He's a joyful boy who reminds me every day how lucky I am to be his mom.

My little guy had his first bite of turkey that night.  If he had asked to eat his pumpkin pie first, I would have let him...it's Thanksgiving after all.

The Reflection of Joy

It hasn't been the easiest year:  a pregnancy that became complicated, a fussy baby for many weeks and then unemployment.   All of this, of course, layered with sleep deprivation and hormones.   Yet, when I look at the picture below, I can't see a single sign of any of it.   All I see is a happy baby and a woman filled with joy.

It's taken nearly six months, but I have finally started to embrace motherhood.  For some women it is quite easy to give birth and take on the role.   I don't know if it was my personality or my age--or maybe both that prevented me from having that initial "this is the best thing ever moment".   Because of the infertility, we spent a lot of time and money to get the little guy.  Yet, in those first few weeks, all I could think was "what had I done".  I had turned a perfectly good life upside down for a screaming baby and being trapped 24 x7.

It's possible that I had some postpartum issues, but I didn't want to turn to medication.  I am very thankful for a friend, who had suffered from it, who called me regularly to make sure that I had an outlet to vent and feel safe talking about what I was thinking.  She came to visit for a weekend, and I know she gave the husband some advice on making sure that I had plenty of time to get away when he wasn't working.

He's also the husband that made sure I went last week to the BlogHer Writer's Conference in New York City.   It was nice to get away, but what I felt good about was that I wasn't escaping from my life.  Instead, I was simply trying to enhance it--and every time I saw a baby I couldn't wait to get home to mine.   Then, tonight as I was telling F's favorite bedtime story,  I was simply overcome with emotion and gratitude.  Looking at that picture I finally saw what my heart had been telling me.  I'm am F's mom and nothing is ever going to change that--this is the life I have dreamed of.

I  had some clarity about where I wanted to take this blog at the writer's conference.  I spoke to some fabulous women who encouraged me to keep writing about motherhood after infertility.  It has its own special challenges ranging from guilt to disclosure issues.  I promise to still occasionally post about Mr. F, but if you want to keep up to date on the little guy, feel free to friend me on Facebook where the family updates will be more regular.
 
I also want to give credit to the photographer at Santana Row, Deborah Nagai.  She did a great job in a high volume time getting the right moment--a moment I will cherish for a long time.

Whoa....5 Months

The dog is still winning, but Franklin is trying to catch up. It is amazing how fast the time is going. This month has brought a few milestones---some good, some bad.

We experienced our first cold. It took almost three weeks for the snuffles and cough to go away. Though the doctor said he was the happiest sick baby he'd seen. And, that really is the difference. Franklin, has gone from being 'the Fusster' to being the 'the Happster'. Lots of smiles...most of the fussing comes from interrupting his feedings or just being undernapped.

We tried our first solid last week--rice cereal. What a mess. However, the boy is ready for it. He looks longingly whenever Clay and I are eating in front of him. He is also capable of holding his own bottle--which comes in handy when mom wants to reach for her own glass of wine during happy hour.

I wish I could post a picture of a party I had last Saturday...there were five of us and our babies. All of us have traveled the path of infertility and come out on the other side--it was magical to see all of us with our dreams come true. Each of us had our own story. However, I won't ever publicly post any pictures of others' kids without prior permission, so you'd have to send me a note to see the photo.

I keep appreciating the extra time I have with Franklin, but I am ready to go back to work--hopefully, the right job is just around the corner.

Four Months Already

Just a quick update on my little Squeaky. He is quickly catching up to his stuffed doggy. I predict by the end of the year he will be just as long. At his most recent doctor's appointment this week he weighed in at 17 lbs 6 oz and 26 1/4" [90th percentile for both]. Needless to say I am getting my workout carrying him up and down our stairs. He is already into 6 months clothes and quickly moving on.

The best news is that we have almost had two straight weeks of sleeping 7 to 7 [give or take a half hour either way]. As I mentioned earlier, we haven't had the easiest road and he was not a baby who liked to sleep in his first two months--now he seems to be making up for lost time. Everybody chooses their method. The one that is working for us is Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. We're not on a tight schedule, but I loosely follow what I would call his pattern. Up for ninety minutes in the morning, then time for the morning nap. I try whenever possible to have the morning nap in the crib as it provides a good base for the rest of the day. We are also sleeping him on his stomach, with the blessing of two doctors. It works for us and has allowed us to get rid of the swaddle. Now that he is sleeping more, he truly is a happy boy. If he is fussing, he is either tired or hungry.




I am going to enjoy these moments as teething appears to be on the way, and I hear that is a total disruptor of schedules. I am also open to any tips and tricks for teething.

I am still looking for work. It's hard as this extra leave time wasn't planned for, but I just have to believe that I was given this break to appreciate what I tried so hard for...that irresistible face that makes me smile.

Franklin's First 3 Months

I haven't been blogging because....I honestly haven't figured out where my blog is going. But, I appreciate all of you who have followed me through this journey, so I thought I'd share the first 90 days.

This digital scrapbook generated with Smilebox

I'll be the first to admit that it hasn't been easy. True to what everybody says, it does get easier and now that my little guy is 15 weeks old, we are starting to get in a bit of a groove. Some nights he actually sleeps 6-7 hours. He tends to now only fuss when he is hungry or overtired [which we try to avoid]. Most importantly, I think I have finally started to embrace motherhood. Yes, I miss our dinners out and trips to the Wine Country are a distant memory, but they simply can't replace the smile I get every morning when Franklin and I are having our first moments of the day.

I have been fortunate to have Clay home for the last four weeks which gave me some time to regroup. I started to play ice hockey again. After a year hiatus from real exercise, it felt so good to get out there and sweat, with no regards to what my heart rate was. I still have some big things ahead such as figuring out how to balance motherhood and a career. And thanks to a company relocation, I am having to look for a new job in the midst of all of this.

But, it doesn't matter, after two bouts of infertility spanning over a decade, I now am the mother of a beautiful little boy and that is all that matters.