Waiting for the Call

The call is going to come any moment now. It will tell me what I already know. Another cycle, another $5k that ended in nothing. I have already cried today. It started early this morning when the spotting and the cramps started to make their appearance.

I have promised that this time I will avoid the self-destructive behavior...just one martini, not three tonight! In fact, I am more interested in actually getting back to heavy duty workouts. After spending a day on closet organization this week and having to send to many items to either storage or donation because they are too tight, I am ready to get my pre-infertility shape back again. As much as I believe some the Chinese medicine theories about not overtaxing the body, I am ready to run again. I need the outlet of exertion as well as control. Control over something...because let me tell you, I feel like I have no control over infertility. Even though, in some way, I do. I can choose how many treatments or procedures we go through.

The choice I am making for the next couple of months is to step away for the assisted cycles. Go back to the old-fashioned way. When we get back from vacation, later this summer I plan to have a next step. It is not clear to me right now what that next step will be.

The call finally came...it's officially a BFN cycle.