The Beat Goes On

Tuesday finally arrived and we got another peek at our little defenseman [#3]. I thought it still looked like a blob, but Clay believed it was an improvement over last time.


He's measuring right on schedule for 12 weeks at 52mm and the heartbeat was 156bpm.

And just for the record, here is the scan from last time.


Am I breathing easier? A little bit. I will still feel better when we are halfway down the road [isn't it always another milestone?], but the smile is back on my face and all I can do is keep having faith.

I am loving my new OB. I thought I could never replace my favorite Dr. R, but Dr. S really rocks. He was in a delivery today and could not meet with me, but he still called at 730 tonight to make sure there weren't any questions that I needed answering. He has cleared me for prenatal yoga and light workouts, so I am going to try to get back to the gym on a regular basis. I want to make sure that I am labor ready come 28 weeks from now.

This week will be my last week on vaginal suppositories--thank goodness. No one should stick that much stuff up them. I was very happy to be done with all my intramuscular shots.

Next up will be the Nuchal Fold scan on Friday the 29th.

The Week in Between

Our next ultrasound isn’t until Tuesday, Oct. 19^th. Until then, I have to just continue to hold the deep belief that #3 is going to be just fine.

Last week was tough. Clay thought I was fine—he said I had my game face on. But, inside I was being torn up. Even though it wasn’t my fault, I found plenty of reasons to blame myself. I found myself going back into my darker infertile hole. Just days before I had been filled with nothing but joy and light, then I was confronted with yet another loss.

I reached out to my online community who had plenty of positive stories to share. It seems that vanishing twins are for more common than people know. I just wish that the doctor had warned us specifically about the possibility.

I took a huge leap of faith on Saturday, though. I bought some maternity clothes. So, I may leave the tags on until next Tuesday, but I thought that was a pretty big step. I think someone women are lucky and are able to stay in their street clothes longer, but all I can say is that my waistbands are tight. I was also thrilled to discover that even H&M has maternity clothes.

And, in even better news, I only have two intramuscular shots left this week. My body is making enough hormones that we can stop supplementing it and just let it do its thing. This is good news for everyone in the house. Clay, who has more then earned his candy striper badge, has done in my estimation over 200 shots for this cycle alone. This is not an easy task—and not something every husband is willing to do. Who wants to take a needle that’s an inch and a half long and stick it deeply into someone’s flesh? I asked a friend to do it this weekend while Clay was gone and I am not sure if she’s finished being traumatized.

At least I’ll be slightly distracted between now and next Tuesday as I am on my first business trip as a pregnant lady, which is not always a good combination—especially when your flight gets cancelled.

And then there was one

We knew it was a possibility, but we truly were starting to believe it wouldn't happen to us. It seems there is this thing called "Vanishing Twin Syndrome" [and I've linked to an informative article on the subject].

I went to my final u/s for Oregon today, before we were to be officially released to our OB, and it didn't quite go as planned. In fact, I didn't even take Clay with me as I thought it would be innocuous. But, I thought it strange when the u/s tech decided to do an internal u/s instead of the belly. And, even my untrained eye, could tell that things weren't quite right. Maybe because one u/s picture had a heartbeat line and the other was a bit flat was a clue. Or, it was that Baby B just didn't look like the right shape.

Baby A--also known as #3 was fine. He's almost 23mm, heartbeat of 156 and measuring right about 9 weeks 3 days.

Baby B stopped growing sometime last week and no longer had a heartbeat. So, what does this all mean? The theory is that Baby A should be fine and continue to grow as babies will do. I may or may not experience any symptoms with the loss of Baby B. I think the larger issue to wrestle with is my own fears. To say that I am not freaked out would be a lie, yet I know for Baby A I just need to be zen with it. I have said all along through this process that we are meant to have the child we are meant to have.

All I can ask right now is that #3 stay safe for another 30 weeks because there are a lot of folks waiting to meet you, especially your Aunt Gigi who was at today's appointment and got to see your heartbeat. She got a little bit more than she expected, but I think she would agree it was worth it to see you on the screen.