The Feeling of Happiness

Upfront I am going to warn my infertile friends who are still trying and in midst of their own pain that they may want to skip this one, but I hope they keep reading.

As I drove this morning to pick up breakfast and the sun was shining for the first time in days, I was smiling to myself. I have to say that feeling happy is not an unusual occurrence these days. Yet, I think back to last couple of years and those moments were not as frequent. When trying to have a child becomes a full-time battle, the emotional output simply bankrupts you.

Having gone through the fight to have a child twice, I have seen many dark times. I am fairly certain that the first time I was clinically depressed--and undiagnosed. The second time has been easier in the sense that I at least felt I wasn't alone in the battle and had a loving partner who was sharing the struggle with me.

On one hand I am grateful for the strength that infertility has given us as a couple. Instead of having a child just after our first year of marriage, we have had four years to build our foundation. Little #3 is going to be coming into a home filled with two parents who are confident in their love and ability to work through trials and tribulations.

What I can't take back from these last four years is all the angst and unrest over trying to have a child. I wish I had lightened up and just enjoyed our time together more--and stopped worrying about what was next. It is what it is. And yet, it only makes me appreciate so much more the sweetness of this time. I am so thankful for our persistence in having a child. I wouldn't trade away a minute of this pregnancy--to feel that little guy kicking away in my belly is priceless.

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to breathe easy until this little guy is delivered to the world, but that is not going to stop me from enjoying these moments of happiness. They've been a long time in coming.

Babymoons and Bumps

It's official, we are in the third trimester and we have less than 12 weeks to go. Clay and I took our last trip together on an airplane as unencumbered adults. It was weird to think that on our flight coming home that it was the last one we would take without car seats, strollers and all the gear for a little person.

I think I have been in a bit of denial about how pregnant I look. Just a glimpse at this picture, plus confirmation from the OB today that my fundal height is 32cm--there's no denying I am pregnant. That said, the styles of clothes today does it make it hard to tell at times if a woman is just carrying a child or a couple extra pounds. According to my scale, I've gained 23 pounds so far. It still puts me in good range to stay under 35 pounds for the pregnancy which is the goal.

The OB visits have all been good news. I passed my gestational diabetes test, which meant no restricted diets. Phew! I struggle to eat veggies and love fruit, so any sugar restrictions would have been challenging. My iron level was a bit low, so I have added a supplement. In two weeks, we will actually start weekly fetal non-stress tests. I have blood clotting gene, MTFHR, and in some cases, it can cause the placenta to prematurely age. We went off blood thinners in December and agreed that as we got closer, we would make sure there was no resulting placenta issues. I still can't say enough about Dr. S and how much he cares that we have as relaxing of a pregnancy as possible.

It is often hard to justify the expense of a babymoon with all the coming expenses plus the former IF expenses, but I am really glad we did. We got lucky in that there were some good vacation packages and we were able to get away. Even though it wasn't the warm weather vacation that I was used to [aka lots of rum cocktails and baking in the sun], I really appreciated getting some time away with Clay. The "craziest" thing I did was go snorkeling. The swim part of that was fine--the bloody nose I got afterwards, not so much. We started to talk about names [sorry not disclosing that topic] and future family vacations.

For those who remember me talking about my 'carpool' buddies on this road, tomorrow I go to the first baby shower for one of them. I am so excited for her. It has been delightful to share the joy of this journey with her. She is also having a boy [as well as my other carpool buddy].

Time for me to put my swollen ankles up.