The Feeling of Happiness

Upfront I am going to warn my infertile friends who are still trying and in midst of their own pain that they may want to skip this one, but I hope they keep reading.

As I drove this morning to pick up breakfast and the sun was shining for the first time in days, I was smiling to myself. I have to say that feeling happy is not an unusual occurrence these days. Yet, I think back to last couple of years and those moments were not as frequent. When trying to have a child becomes a full-time battle, the emotional output simply bankrupts you.

Having gone through the fight to have a child twice, I have seen many dark times. I am fairly certain that the first time I was clinically depressed--and undiagnosed. The second time has been easier in the sense that I at least felt I wasn't alone in the battle and had a loving partner who was sharing the struggle with me.

On one hand I am grateful for the strength that infertility has given us as a couple. Instead of having a child just after our first year of marriage, we have had four years to build our foundation. Little #3 is going to be coming into a home filled with two parents who are confident in their love and ability to work through trials and tribulations.

What I can't take back from these last four years is all the angst and unrest over trying to have a child. I wish I had lightened up and just enjoyed our time together more--and stopped worrying about what was next. It is what it is. And yet, it only makes me appreciate so much more the sweetness of this time. I am so thankful for our persistence in having a child. I wouldn't trade away a minute of this pregnancy--to feel that little guy kicking away in my belly is priceless.

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to breathe easy until this little guy is delivered to the world, but that is not going to stop me from enjoying these moments of happiness. They've been a long time in coming.

Keeping calm while trying to conceive

This marks the second day of my new hobby, trying to keep my online friends calm while trying to conceive.

I actually made my debut as a blogger earlier this week on Lexy.

http://www.lexy.com/profile?id=682

Lexy is new and by checking them out now, you will be on the inside track. Lexy lets you listen to "quikcasts", which are bites of news and entertainment to fit your busy life. You can either listen on your PC or better yet on your mobile phone. And, the coolest feature they have added recently is the ability to audio blog and then distribute to your friends.

For those who don't know me, I am 41 and trying to have a baby with my wonderful husband of soon to be two years. I was married before and, unfortunately, experienced infertility the first time because my husband wasn't able to have kids. This time it appears to be all my fault. We miscarried in November 2007 and had a chemical pregnancy as a result of IVF in December 2008. My eggs are just not cooperating.

I'll tell you more as the weeks go on, but for now, if you are experiencing infertility, just know that there is someone online who knows the emotional upheaval that you live with every day.

Just remember today that the sun is shining somewhere.