Keeping the Surprise

I wanted to write this blog post before I left but that would have spoiled the surprise.  I just did one of the craziest things I have ever done, especially since having Mr. F. ,  I flew to London to have twenty-four hours with my husband.

This was important on many fronts.  It wasn’t something I decided to do lightly.  Originally, F and I were going to go on Clay’s business trip, but F didn’t have a passport and it was too complicated to get one in a hurry.  [In hindsight I am happy I wasn’t trekking a stroller around London.]   Looking at calendars, the only logical time was for Clay to be gone over his fortieth birthday.

As I started to think about birthday gifts, it became clear that the best gift I could give him was to be there for him—as he has done for me over the last seven years.  I then started a two-part process:  1) See if my mother-in-law would be willing to take care of Mr. F while I was gone and 2) Did I have enough miles left from my flying days as the tickets were expensive.    I was in luck as I actually found a saver ticket and my mother-in-law said yes.

It is much easier to think about leaving your child than to actually do it.   My guiding premise throughout this is that a strong family is based on a strong marriage.  Eighteen months after the birth of Mr. F, I’d be the first to admit there have been a few nicks to mine.  Free time only comes when the baby sleeps and at that point it’s either errands or exhaustion that takes over.

As I boarded the plane I almost had a full-fledged panic attack.  It’s not that we haven’t left him for a night, here or there.  All of a sudden I was leaving the country, I worried that we hadn’t childproofed the pond yet and what if he decided now was a good time to start crawling out of his crib.  What if something happened while I was on the trip?  I didn’t want to be the star of a made for tv movie.

This is the tough part of motherhood—every day you make choices that affect your child.  What seems like a good one at the time ends up being the wrong one.   I’m happy to say that nothing happened while we were away.   Everybody enjoyed themselves [though Nana might be a little tired at this point].   Clay was truly surprised and I was able to even stay up into the wee hours of the night.

Now I realize that this was a grand gesture and doing these type of things are often once in a lifetime, but what I do think is critical that sometimes we need to be a wife first and a mother second.  Even if you can only get a babysitter for an hour on a Sunday, go to the coffee shop and just enjoy the moments that brought the two of you together.    

Mothers who consider it a badge of honor to never be separated from their child are puzzling to me.  I shed a couple tears on the flight across the ocean.  There was an adorable nine-month old right in the seats in front of me.  I missed F terribly, but I also miss just being me. 

Having had a couple days to rejuvenate I am ready to come back and be super mom.

Fifty-Six Days Later

While walking the kids tonight, I saw a father and his young daughter in the cul-de-sac "playing" tennis.   That scene took me back thirty years ago when my dad would play tennis with me in front of our house.  
Besides making me tear up, it also reminded me why health and fitness are so important.

I have never intended to be the parent that is just on the sideline.   Whether it's football, skateboarding or basketball, I've always wanted to have the energy to teach and to participate.   That's the tricky part about being the older mom--that energy isn't as abundant as it used to be.   Yet, this motivation still hasn't been enough to keep me on track.

Over the last eight weeks I've felt better but not consistently.   Some of it wasn't my fault, such as getting sidelined with a cold after our vacation.  Worst possible timing given that we had consumed a year's worth of calories at the Minnesota State Fair.  I needed action not couch sitting.  And, then of course, there's the birthday--who doesn't eat cake on their birthday?  [Me, this year, but that's another blog post.]

According to my fancy scale this morning, I am four pounds lighter than what I was.   That's a healthy loss of a half pound a week.   I definitely have smaller chicken flaps.   Yet, the issue I still haven't solved is energy. As I said in my last post, on the days I do everything right:  get 7-8 hours of sleep, take my vitamins and eat nutritionally; I feel great.    However, it just doesn't seem to be very sustainable or replicable night after night.
 
I'm working with a start up right now that might actually be able to help me with my dilemma.   I can't say much more at the moment, but I'm looking forward to sharing some secret sauce soon.

Until then, I'll leave you with a trip to the pumpkin patch.  F and I on the "Cow Train."

Halfway to Nowhere

I am almost at the halfway point of my quest to be more svelte and less tired, so how am I doing?   I wish I could be more inspirational, but after 3 weeks I've only lost 2.5 pounds.  I had lost 4 pounds at one point, but a week of business travel and no exercise is a bad combination.   But, that would simply be an excuse.

When I use my food tracker, I manage what I eat much more successfully.   If you are counting the tortilla chips, you are more likely to stop at five rather than ten.   Exercise has definitely improved.  I have found a class that I absolutely love at my gym called Kinesis.  I've done some hard workouts with off-ice hockey conditioning before, but Kinesis kicks my butt.  Essentially it is 45 minutes of interval training.  Unfortunately, it has an additional cost at my gym, but it is cheaper than a personal trainer.

When I do everything right:  eat well, get to bed early, exercise and take my vitamins, I definitely feel better.  But doing all four things often feels impossible. I had one friend write a detailed email to me about how to take care of me.  I've put most of it below as I think she has some great points and I want to share it with my other mom friends.

From my anonymous friend:

First of all, you are now doing at least 3 full time jobs: motherhood, work and everything else in life, not to mention a marriage. Its impossible not to be tired. As F moves into toddler hood , the pure physicality of constantly chasing , picking up, playing, changing , tantrums etc reaches a new level requiring much more energy, often when we don't have any to spare..here is what I tried:

One night a week OFF: Every Wednesday for about 5 years, my babysitter picked up my child from daycare or school every Wednesday without fail.  Just this one night that was my own was very helpful, I usually worked out but sometimes met a friend, shopped etc...I never went home before bedtime. We still do this--many years later!

Offload whatever errands/household tasks you can: Housekeeper who does laundry, a gardener, pre prepared meals, grocery delivery..whatever is keeping you so busy at night or on weekends and you truly don't enjoy, off load. This won't last forever but the relief of letting go a lot of household tasks was awesome. Well worth the money

Go go a Naturopath: Due to a bunch of health issues that my medical doc couldn't help with , I started seeing a Naturopath and under her care I am the healthiest I've ever been.

We also used our babysitter for a certain amount of hours every weekend.  This was couple time. Sometimes we did dinner, sometimes a bike ride, sometimes just sitting in Starbucks talking. Purposefully taking time to reconnect as a couple was key.

Know that you don't have to entertain F every minute of every day. I think a lot of working moms fall into this. When we are home we want to be interacting all the time, you don't have to.  Why did playpens go away?  Playing on his own is great for his development and your piece of mind, even if it is just five minutes.

Baby Einstein videos are 30 min of escape.

Get up before everyone else..this may seem counter intutitive as you are so tired, but, I still get up and ready before anyone else in the house. I have my coffee outside in good weather and set my intention for the day...it really helps me to center and focus on my frame of mind for the day. Just a few minutes of peace really helps...

Good luck my friend, remember you are wonderful , fabulous mom!!

Fifty Days to Undo Tired

First of all I want to say thanks to everyone who commented on Facebook, Twitter and here with their suggestions and encouragement on how to get my energy back.   Just getting my thoughts out there [being the extroverted thinker I am] is helping to crystallize in my mind what’s important to me and realistically what I can focus on.

Starting yesterday I decided to go on my Fifty Days campaign [actually fifty-six to my 45^th birthday].  I owed it to myself to spend the next Fifty Days taking better care of me and see what improvements would result.

Yesterday I benchmarked my weight, and I am actually going to put it in print [encouraged by @DonorDiva’s willingness to put it out there].  My 5’7” frame carries a whopping 168 pounds.  My BMI is definitely in the overweight range of 27.   I was trying to figure out what happened as I lost all my pregnancy weight and started the year at 163, but if I look at my Withings dashboard it seems that each month, starting in May another couple pounds came my way.  I have no real explanation except that a variety of cooties and muscle aches kept me from exercising as much.

I am tracking what I eat at www.myfitnesspal.com .  With their smartphone support, it makes it much easier to track as the day goes along.    Essentially I am trying to do my own personal training right now.  I’ve worked with trainers a lot over the years [and have almost always seen results from it], but I feel like I need to earn my way back to a trainer.  That is should be a reward when I am serious about it.   I am also considering trying Sistas of Strength, an online program one of my Twitter mama friends has.  I’ve been traveling a bit for work, so I like the portability aspect of taking the program with me.

I wish I could be as disciplined as an old high school friend of mine who goes to bed at 930 every night, but I would never get anything done.   I’m compromising and trying to get lights out by 11.  Even with an early morning Squeaky wake up, I stand a better chance of having had enough sleep.

After a rousing toddler tantrum at dinner tonight, I was cursing my decision to forgo the wine during the week.  That chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc was calling my name…but I resisted.  Willpower…need to learn how to have it.

Fifty Shades of Tired

When I start to blame my lack of blogging on working, I stop myself as I know stay at home moms who are having just as much trouble as I am in keeping their blogs up.      The problem is that once the kid is in bed, there is just so much left to do and no energy to do it.     I use my reserves to cook dinner, pay bills or walk the dog.   On the nights where there is nothing left I simply veg in front of the television.  And, there is a lot of couch potato action these days.   

I never was a couch potato, but motherhood has zapped something from me.   About January I went to get a physical because I couldn’t stand not feeling like myself any more.   I appreciate that my male doctor heard me out.   Being a parent, he made some suggestions that helped such as “turn off the baby monitor”.   F’s room is close enough that if he is truly upset we will hear him.   In the morning as we all start to wake his babble is unmistakable.  He also told me what I already knew….exercise, it does a body good.  Easier said than done, which is why the dog is also five pounds overweight as I write this.

My doctor ordered all the standard tests—thyroid, vitamin D [super low].  I went back to acupuncture, took my vitamins and I did start to sleep through the night again.  Yet, six months later I am still tired, not exercising and not blogging.   Though, I can tell you about the season finale of The Bachelorette [weakest season ever].  

How do I get over this hump?   Is it a physical block or a mental block?   Or, is it all connected?  This is where I am calling on my extended mom community out there.    How are you feeling these days?  Are you getting enough sleep?  Do you feel normal again?  

In re-reading this post a day later, I sound like I am whining…and maybe I am, but I just want to be a strong, athletic woman again and not the reigning champion of couch bowling.

And, He's Off to the Races

Getting a still photo is a miracle these days....

Mr. F is going to be 10 months before I ever get this written.  If I thought time was moving fast before, it is now speeding by in a blur--which is what happens when your relatively immobile baby is now crawling.  Parents have warned me that the changes come quickly and they weren't kidding.  

What started out as a cute army crawl is now the impetus for my daily exercise.  I can no longer leave Mr. F alone anywhere for more than a second because in that time he can pull down a fake tree, climb up stairs and suck on a lamp cord.    We were supposed to have childproofed the house over the holidays, but it just didn't seem that urgent.  Now it is necessity.  

He's still a fairly happy guy.  He has three basic needs:  food, sleep and a clean diaper.  If all of those are taken care of, he'll kindly repay you with smiles and giggles.   However, I wish he'd read the memo about not having a conversation before 7am.   This last week he has begun his eloquent monologues about 6am--Zamboni doesn't even want to hear them [and tries to curl up more deeply in his pillow].  

For those who want his stats, he's 29 1/2 inches and 22 pounds and 10 ounces.   I don't even look at clothes that are smaller than 18 months.  He's going to be one of those guys with long legs and a smaller waist--wonder where he gets that from?

Having a giggle with Dad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next week at this time I will have finished my first week of full-time work after a ten month hiatus.   The good news is that I feel extremely lucky that I have been able to hire someone to watch over him, who has my confidence and trust.   As I have said all along in this journey, people and events come into your life for a reason.   In hiring a nanny I wanted to find someone I could partner with.   I'll be the first to admit that I am not an avid reader of child development texts.  I wanted somebody who knows enough to help me evaluate my options as a parent.  

This afternoon we were discussing what was we needed for childproofing.   There's one cabinet that doesn't necessarily need latches, but it also shouldn't be 'free to access'.   The nanny asked me if we were gong to be willing to invest the time to teach him that there are forbidden places. That's my preference, but we'll see how easy that is with a little boy!

Sunday mornings are swim lessons.  He loves being in the water--which bodes well for the warm weather vacations we hope to take again [and starting in March with our 5th anniversary celebration].

What Time Is It?

Yesterday there was a great blog in the Huffington Post about "Don't Carpe Diem".  The short version of this blog is that this mom is tired of people telling her to enjoy every moment of motherhood because let's face it--it's hard work.   But, her main point reviews the two types of time: Chronos and Kairos time.  Chronos being the every day moments, including all the muck, and Kairos being the gems that you cherish.

It is this duality of time that is at the heart of the working mom's dilemma.   For the last few months I have been in an interesting position.   I expected to go back to work full time when Franklin was four months old.   Due to the progressive thinking of my old company, they thought it would be better to eliminate my job so I could spend more time with my child.  

Once I took a deep breath and stopped panicking about our financial free fall, I tried to enjoy the fact that I had "a fussy-free, sleeping through the night" baby who just wanted to spend time having fun.   However, since we live in Silicon Valley, not getting a new job wasn't an option.  We are not set-up to be a single income family.   But, if I am honest, it is not all about the money.

Today was a great day.  I woke up, enjoyed morning time with my little guy, then I dressed in grown-up clothes.  I slid into my pre-pregnancy pencil skirt, curled my hair and put make up on.   I was meeting with a new client who had flown up for the day to meet with a customer.   It felt so good to slip back into my old life, where my mental challenge of the day wasn't remembering the lyrics to 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'.   It was a Kairos moment for me--a moment to come back to myself.

Don't get me wrong.  There was still a lot of craziness to the day.  I was twenty minutes late to the meeting because I had forgotten what a commute was like.  I rushed back to my house after the meeting to work on materials for another job and pick up Franklin to take him to the afternoon meeting.   I am in a unique position in that I had a lot of people cheering me on for this baby, so it is great when former colleagues want to meet him and I can take him with.  I then to took F to his grandparents, so I could work some more but realized that I left the computer at home.

Yet, despite all of that, I had one of those clear defining moments of what I want my life to be.

I had been wrestling with the idea that staying home might be the best thing for Franklin and I should find a way to make it work.  But it isn't the best thing for Franklin because it isn't what will make me happy.  I'll admit that I can't deal with the muck day in and day out.  I applaud the moms out there that can [and I was raised my one who could], but it's not for me.  What is important to me, however, is to find the job the will allow me to still have many Kairos moments--it may be scaling up my consulting business, or it may be that my current part-time gig will become full-time.  Now, you are saying how could a full-time job give you the flexibility to still have those special moments?

See my part-time gig is a VP of Marketing role for a forward-thinking company who is focused on financial planning and investing for young families.  As the person responsible for fostering the company and brand culture, you can bet that we will have policies that allow for attending pre-school holiday parties, soccer practices and school field trips.   Participating in your family life will be required not optional.  

Meanwhile I am going to enjoy these  early days as much as I can.  I've had five more months in Franklin's every day life than I expected.  And, each night when I kiss him good night, I am very thankful for Kairos.

The Reflection of Joy

It hasn't been the easiest year:  a pregnancy that became complicated, a fussy baby for many weeks and then unemployment.   All of this, of course, layered with sleep deprivation and hormones.   Yet, when I look at the picture below, I can't see a single sign of any of it.   All I see is a happy baby and a woman filled with joy.

It's taken nearly six months, but I have finally started to embrace motherhood.  For some women it is quite easy to give birth and take on the role.   I don't know if it was my personality or my age--or maybe both that prevented me from having that initial "this is the best thing ever moment".   Because of the infertility, we spent a lot of time and money to get the little guy.  Yet, in those first few weeks, all I could think was "what had I done".  I had turned a perfectly good life upside down for a screaming baby and being trapped 24 x7.

It's possible that I had some postpartum issues, but I didn't want to turn to medication.  I am very thankful for a friend, who had suffered from it, who called me regularly to make sure that I had an outlet to vent and feel safe talking about what I was thinking.  She came to visit for a weekend, and I know she gave the husband some advice on making sure that I had plenty of time to get away when he wasn't working.

He's also the husband that made sure I went last week to the BlogHer Writer's Conference in New York City.   It was nice to get away, but what I felt good about was that I wasn't escaping from my life.  Instead, I was simply trying to enhance it--and every time I saw a baby I couldn't wait to get home to mine.   Then, tonight as I was telling F's favorite bedtime story,  I was simply overcome with emotion and gratitude.  Looking at that picture I finally saw what my heart had been telling me.  I'm am F's mom and nothing is ever going to change that--this is the life I have dreamed of.

I  had some clarity about where I wanted to take this blog at the writer's conference.  I spoke to some fabulous women who encouraged me to keep writing about motherhood after infertility.  It has its own special challenges ranging from guilt to disclosure issues.  I promise to still occasionally post about Mr. F, but if you want to keep up to date on the little guy, feel free to friend me on Facebook where the family updates will be more regular.
 
I also want to give credit to the photographer at Santana Row, Deborah Nagai.  She did a great job in a high volume time getting the right moment--a moment I will cherish for a long time.